- Justin: The main pump room is flooded, but I can swim across it and get to the pumps. Once I'm there, I'll start them up, and we should be okay. It's a bit of distance, but I think I can make it.
- Terry: Can I say I'm loving your use of the word "I". You've not said "we" once, and I'm very grateful for it.
- Colleen: [to Emily] Perhaps that's the reason people like your singing - because it's the only time you're not talking, love.
- Terry: See the pillows on that bed? They're hypoallergenic. For all I know, that means they were made in Hypoallergenia.
- Jack: Terry, all my life I've been searching for the perfect woman, and now I think I've found her in Mildred... Or possibly Hilda.
- Colleen: What a night, eh, Emily dear? First you lose a grand and now someone's smacking your bitch up.
- Security Guard: Welcome to the Empress of the Tynes, ladies. Are you taking any drugs on board?
- Mildred: Only the ones that keep me alive. Plus a couple of things for when I get bored.
- Colleen: Forget Cocaine Sally here. Come on, let's get to the bar; let's get the champagne open!
- Hilda: Gemma, I'd like to lodge a complaint!
- Gemma: What's wrong?
- Hilda: Mildred's hogging Jack! By the time I get my go, he'll be spent!
- Gemma: Right. Umm... well maybe when Mildred's done, you can let Jack recharge himself a bit, and then have your go. On. Him.
- [looks at Terry]
- Gemma: Is it wrong I'm starting to feel like a nautical pimp?
- Terry: [shakes his head and mouths no]
- [Emily is reading a nauseating farewell speech at Captain Jack's retirement dinner]
- Colleen: I wish I had a hearing aid, then I could switch it off.
- [talking about Captain Jack]
- Colleen: He's a slimy so-and-so.
- Emily: God, he is. I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees it. He's been leering over the older passengers for years. Some nights, it's like a pornographic version of Jurassic Park.
- Colleen: He's got a long way to go before he gets his hands on my velociraptor.
- Justin: We'll be the Jay Z and Beyonce of the North Sea. Except with none of the money. But full wifi access.
- Terry: I hate to interrupt this fascinating trip down short term memory lane, but I'm gonna have to park the bus.
- Jack: Try the duty free shop. Anything with a collar will do. They'll have something in your size. We get a lot of truck drivers on here.
- Emily: It's a special dinner for old friends.
- Jack: Actually, Emily these are my friends.
- Emily: Yeah well, they're certainly old.
- Justin: [laughing] Savage as usual, Emsy.
- Colleen: Who the bloody held do you think you are?
- Emily: Who am I, babes?
- [pretends to think]
- Emily: Umm. I'm the most in demand lounge entertainment on the North Sea. I'm known in every port across Northern Europe.
- Colleen: Oh, popular round the docks, are you? We used to have a name for girls like that.
- Hilda: "Dirty girls!" That's what mother said.
- Jack: Well, hello, girls.
- Colleen: That's right, girls, don't lose your dignity. He could be riddled, this one. You know, sailors usually are.
- Hilda: If we get shipwrecked, I'm more than happy to make a fishing net out of my pantyhose.
- Mildred: I don't wear any.
- Jack: Then I'll get us out onto the ocean like my very life depended on it.
- Colleen: Oh sorry, sorry, couldn't quite hear you for the sound of my skin crawling.
- Jane McDonald: [on a promotional video] Hi, I'm Jane McDonald, and I want you to enjoy my Secretions. It's gritty, it's northern, it stings. It's my Secretions.
- Mildred: Ooh, let's get to the cabins. I need a lie down. Bits of me are waking up that have been asleep for decades!
