Sheila Reid credited as playing...
- [Denise comes round with complementary glasses of champagne]
- Hilda: Do I like champagne?
- Mildred: It's free! When it's free, you drink it first and decide if you like it later.
- Gemma: He's being beaten to death by a...
- Mildred: ...Dolphin holding a knock-off Toblerone.
- Jack: Now if you'll excuse me, I must get this old girl ready to sail. She needs quite a firm hand.
- Mildred: I bet she does.
- Jack: The feisty ones always do.
- Security Guard: Welcome to the Empress of the Tynes, ladies. Are you taking any drugs on board?
- Mildred: Only the ones that keep me alive. Plus a couple of things for when I get bored.
- Colleen: Forget Cocaine Sally here. Come on, let's get to the bar; let's get the champagne open!
- [telling Captain Jack about their friend Marge who has recently died]
- Hilda: She was very posh.
- Mildred: Had *two* sets of teeth: one for eating, one for guests.
- Gemma: This is the secret they think they've been whispering about all day. Don't bother trying to get it out of them, Jack. You've got more chance of finding out their real ages.
- Mildred: Gemma! I never lie about my age! It's not becoming of a lady in her... very early 50's.
- Mildred: Draw me like one of your French girls, Jack.
- Jack: Well, I've only got a Biro, but I'll do my best.
- Jack: Well, hello, girls.
- Colleen: That's right, girls, don't lose your dignity. He could be riddled, this one. You know, sailors usually are.
- Hilda: If we get shipwrecked, I'm more than happy to make a fishing net out of my pantyhose.
- Mildred: I don't wear any.
- Jack: Then I'll get us out onto the ocean like my very life depended on it.
- Colleen: Oh sorry, sorry, couldn't quite hear you for the sound of my skin crawling.
- Jack: Oh, surely you can let the cat out of the bag for a silly old captain?
- [he kisses Mildred's hand]
- Hilda: Tell him, Mildred, tell him everything.
- Mildred: If he goes on like this, I'll tell him my pin number. Yours too, Hilda.
- Hilda: 2596, Jack.
- Mildred: Ooh, let's get to the cabins. I need a lie down. Bits of me are waking up that have been asleep for decades!
