- [reading Colton Burpo's tweets]
- David Gobble: "God has a fire sword."
- Brad Jones: Did he just go see Noah? Has a sword of fire! Sweet!
- David Gobble: "Because of what I have seen, I am always ready to die."
- Brad Jones: Uh, so is, I, uh... I'm with Sarah. This kid's gonna murder us all!
- David Gobble: "I am just a normal kid. I love football and Minecraft, and I have met Christ."
- Brad Jones: [snorts] Okay.
- David Gobble: "God will claim all his children."
- Brad Jones: Man, again! You say that in John Malkovich's voice... goddamnit! This reads like a parody account, but it's not!
- David Gobble: "As he must come for all of us, heaven babies are forever babies."
- Brad Jones: That's horrifying! I don't think Heaven is like being stuck on, like, the worst airline ever!
- David Gobble: "I will make them believe."
- Brad Jones: What does that mean? Goddamnit, what does that mean?
- David Gobble: "I am not afraid of what I am becoming."
- Brad Jones: Don't give this kid guns. Please.
- David Gobble: "You have no concept of what seeing God does to a human mind."
- Brad Jones: I'm starting to see what it does to a human mind!
- David Gobble: One day ago, he tweeted, "I know how the world ends!"
- Brad Jones: Well, why don't you tell us! That should be the first thing that you say! You know, this story's getting a lot more elaborate every time he says it! I would've lead with "I know how the world ends." If you know how the world ends, who don't you tell us?
- David Gobble: "Even in heaven, the wounds of Jesus bleed. They forever bleed."
- Brad Jones: So Heaven is for real; they just don't have any band-aids.
- David Gobble: "Mom says I came back different." This is amazing!
- Brad Jones: [breaks out into laughter]
- [first lines]
- Brad Jones: That theater smelled like old people.
- David Gobble: It certainly fucking did.
- Brad Jones: Greg Kinnear gives a great performance in this.
- David Gobble: Oh yeah. Greg Kinnear's a great actor. He really is.
- Brad Jones: Yeah, but I want my "Auto Focus" Greg Kinnear back, goddamnit!
- David Gobble: I kept waiting for him to start fucking, you know, just prostitutes!
- Brad Jones: Well, his wife was kinky as shit in the movie! The first half hour, about every other line she had had something to do with her banging him! Like, when he's, at one point, when the kid, he says to the wife, like, "Uh, Colton says, like, he heard an angel singing." Her line is, "Was he just hearing us in the shower?" What?
- [laughing]
- Brad Jones: Alright, settle down, "Two and a Half Men!" Jesus Christ! I realize the jokes in this movie are very sitcom-y, which they are. There's a lot of sitcom jokes in this fucking thing.
- David Gobble: "In Heaven, every bed is a racecar bed."
- Brad Jones: Okay, that I believe. You know what, he's finally fucking won me over. I believe that.
