- Melvin: So here's what I'm going to do, son. I'm going to give it to you straight. I'm not going to fill your head with fictitious characters like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or God. There's only one thing you need to worry about and that's women.
- Melvin: Clothes maketh or unmaketh the man. The finer the threads, the more inclined the ladies are to tear them off.
- Melvin: Now meeting the right person is really all about spending enough time in the right places, so we're going to a new preschool today. One in a higher socioeconomic suburb.
- Melvin: Avoid that bitchy girl over there. I mean, she might be pretty but believe me, she's not worth the trouble. You don't want to end up with someone like your mother anyway.
- Melvin: Most girls are attracted to bad boys so see if you can start some sort of altercation with her. Understand?
- Melvin: I'm trying to do the right thing by you and you mess everything up! You're as incompetent as the government film funding bodies, wasting money on the wrong people!
