Danny Pudi: Abed Nadir

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Abed Nadir

Dr. Heidi: All of this behavior started after you were expelled?
Annie Edison: There may have been a ramp-up.
[abrupt cut to group study room f]
Abed Nadir: [moaning as custodian manually resets an analog clock back one hour]
Troy Barnes: It's okay, buddy. Just a few more minutes, and we're good until spring, okay?
Abed Nadir: But it doesn't make any sense.
Annie Edison: Think of it this way. We get the hour back later in the year.
Troy Barnes: Yeah.
Abed Nadir: [confused, shrieks wide-eyed with terror]

Officer Cackowski: Found your friend going through the dumpster outside the administration building in Greendale again.
Abed Nadir: [as Inspector Spacetime] This cadet could use a lesson in intergalactic protocol.
Annie Edison: It's okay, officer. He's just playing a character from TV.
Officer Cackowski: Oh, yes, I'm very familiar with Inspector Spacetime. You think a guy becomes a cop because his prom night was a dream? If this were comic-con, I'd take a bullet for that kid.

Troy Barnes: Uh, guys, while we were remembering Chang is crazy, the fake doctor sneaked away.
Jeff Winger: Oh, crap!
Annie Edison: What?
Annie Edison: There goes our only chance of clearing our names.
Britta Perry: You guys, forget about us. The Dean has been kidnapped. He's out there somewhere, alone and cold and most likely trying to cobble together a sexy Patty Hearst costume.
Jeff Winger: Britta's right. Wait, what?
Shirley Bennett: We need to rescue the Dean.
Pierce Hawthorne: We need to get back to that school.
Abed Nadir: And we definitely never need to do another paintball.
Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: Yeah.
Jeff Winger: See, therapy does work. We're cured.

Abed Nadir: [as Inspector Spacetime] He's not the real Dean. He's been replaced by an identical life-form for some nefarious purpose.
[to Troy]
Abed Nadir: Reggie, to the time booth. We haven't much... space.

Dr. Heidi: And so as a group, do you always indulge Abed in these little misadventures?
Troy Barnes: Take that back. Our adventures are very manly.
Dr. Heidi: I have to say there's nothing more important to mental health than a support system. And assuming that this group is, for Abed, said support system, I think I've heard everything I need to hear in order to make a decision. I think that Abed should be committed.
Jeff Winger: You mean committed to his character work, right? Because he already is. Abed, show him your Don Draper.
Abed Nadir: Cigarettes.
[everybody laughs]
Dr. Heidi: No, I mean an institution.
Jeff Winger: You mean like marriage?
Dr. Heidi: I mean a mental institution.
Jeff Winger: [Groucho Marx impersonation] Ah... so do I.
[normal voice]
Jeff Winger: Will someone please help me lighten the mood?

Abed Nadir: [Narrating while Peirce is having lunch] Time enough at last to eat a sandwich. Though even he knew that this sandwich was nearer his last sandwich than his first...
Pierce Hawthorne: Abed, I'm trying to eat.
Abed Nadir: He said, oldly, his brittle bones straining to support the weight of his wrinkly skin.
Pierce Hawthorne: Stop narrating me!
Abed Nadir: He shouted to no one, just a man alone in time with nothing but the cold squishiness of tuna salad to comfort him.
Pierce Hawthorne: I take it back. I don't want to be in your novel.
[Leaves in a huff]
Abed Nadir: Pierce Hawthorne had nearly lost his grip on reality. Lately, he'd begun to think he was in a novel...

Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: [harmonizing] Troy and Abed in the morning.
[quietly]
Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: Nightsss.
Troy Barnes: [normal voice] Welcome back, all you night owls.
Abed Nadir: [dials out] Troy, why don't we open up the phone lines?
Troy Barnes: Talk to us, lonely hearts.
Abed Nadir: We got Jeff W. calling.
Jeff Winger: [awakened] Hello?
Troy Barnes: Hey, Jeff, what's your question?
Jeff Winger: Who is this?
Troy Barnes: Great question. We're us.
Jeff Winger: [irritated] You guys, it's 3:00 in the morning. I'm trying to sleep.
Abed Nadir: I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff. Why don't you stay on the line and we'll get your information.
Troy Barnes: Yeah, we'll get you the help you need.
Abed Nadir: Our next caller's Annie E. What's on your mind tonight, Annie?
Annie Edison: Hey, guys, long time, first time, love the show.
Troy Barnes: Aw, appreciate ya. How can we help?
Annie Edison: [bangs on the adjoining wall and yells emphatically] You can shut up and go to sleep!
Abed Nadir: [quietly] Well, Jacks and Jills, that's about all the time we have tonight.
Troy Barnes: [quietly] Yeah, until next time, may your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be "spooky monster" scary and not "grandma died" scary.
Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: [quietly harmonizing] Troy and Abed in the morning
Troy Barnes: [loud whisper] Nightsss.

Jeff Winger: These aren't even good lies.
Dr. Heidi: All right, fine, I had to come up with something. You were getting too close.
Shirley Bennett: Close to what?
Dr. Heidi: *To the truth*. The Indian kid was right.
Shirley Bennett: He's Arabic.
Abed Nadir: Also Polish.
Dr. Heidi: Whatever. I'm a fake psychiatrist, not a fake ethnologist. The point is your Dean was kidnapped by Ben Chang and replaced with a double. I was hired to keep you off the scent.
Shirley Bennett: Chang kidnapped the Dean? Even for him, that's insane.
Jeff Winger: Is it? Think about it.