Sam Brown credited as playing...
Various
- Father: You see boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we've grown tired of the mundane and the routine. At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extra marital affairs.
- Trevor: [grossed out] Aw, dad...
- Father: Hey, hey, let me finish. So to avoid the pitfalls that affect so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial "sack".
- Trevor: Aw, come on!
- Father: Hey, hey, hold on! So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole!
- Trevor, Zach, Sam: Oh, dad!
- Sam: Be quiet!
- Father: Hey, hey, now that's called being a good dad! Everybody's happy! Your mom's happy she's not being cheated on, I'm definitely happy, and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop! That family's all together!
- Angry Mormon Father: [constantly shouting] Timothy! Come here!
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Yes, father.
- Petrified Mormon Mother: Timothy, your father and I...
- Angry Mormon Father: SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: [nods] Yes.
- Angry Mormon Father: However, today is your thirteenth birthday!
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.
- Angry Mormon Father: Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I...
- [he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]
- Angry Mormon Father: Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11:30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!
- Petrified Mormon Mother: [murmurs incoherently]
- Angry Mormon Father: SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake.
- [they touch hands]
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!
- Angry Mormon Father: Happy birthday, son.
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Thank you, sir!
