Seann William Scott: Doug Stauber

The Promotion

Doug Stauber

[During the motivational retreat, the employees form a circle around the retreat leader. They are instructed to place paper bags over their heads]
Retreat Leader: I want you to take off one thing that you don't need... quickly! Come on.
[Everyone takes off their paper bags, except Richard, who removes his watch. They all stare at Richard, who still has his paper bag over his head]
Retreat Leader: Let's take something else off that you really don't need... right away!
[Richard takes off his shoes as some of the employees begin to laugh]
Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need, let's make it happen. Come on!
[Richard removes his belt while the employees continue to laugh]
Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need. Come on, let's go. Something completely unnecessary.
[Richard turns to his right]
Richard: Doug, can we take our sack off?
Doug Stauber: What?
[Everyone bursts in laughter]
Richard: Did you take your sack off?
Doug Stauber: I can't really hear you.
Retreat Leader: If you could take off one more thing you simply do not need. Do it!
Richard: [whispers] Fuck!
[Richard removes his shirt, revealing a tattoo of the band KISS on his chest, to the delight of everyone else]
Retreat Leader: Okay, uhhh... all right, everybody that still has a bag on top of their heads, scream, 'My concentration skills need improvement.' One, two, three.
Richard: My concentration skills need improvement!
[Everyone bursts into laughter]

Hardy: Hey, Mr. Wehlner.
Richard: Hey, Hardy. How are you doing?
Hardy: I'm doing good.
Richard: What did you do last night?
Hardy: I went to the movies with my sister.
Richard: You did?
Hardy: Yeah.
Richard: That sounds awesome.
Hardy: Guess what?
Richard: What?
Hardy: I'm growing a mustache.
Richard: All right. That's cool.
[offers a handshake]
Richard: Hey, Hardy, you're doing a great job at the store here.
Hardy: Thanks.
Richard: Keep it up.
[as Hardy walks away, Richard feels his right hand after shaking it with Hardy and gives an uneasy look on his face. Doug sees this and approaches him]
Doug Stauber: What's going on?
Richard: Oh, nothing. Just... Hardy. It just gets sad, sometimes. Do you know why Hardy's hand is powdered?
Doug Stauber: Why?
Richard: These retarded guys... masturbate so much that they rub the skin off their penises. They don't know better, and that they have a hard time not jerking off.
[Mitch and the board of directors appear behind Richard]
Richard: Hey!
[Richard walks away as Mitch approaches Doug. He watches the conversation from a distance]
Mitch: Was he talking about jerking off in the store?

Doug Stauber: I guess it was me enjoying a rainbow cone to celebrate Richard's racial slur. But I had a feeling he was starting to crack. A couple more little things. He might just fall apart. 'Black apples'? What an a-hole.

[Following the incident where Doug sprays mace at a gang member, he gives his apology speech to the community]
Doug Stauber: We understand that the young men involved in the incident are not good examples of the community, but are troublemakers, who there are a lot of everywhere in this day. The incident was unfortunate for both parties, but we won't let a few bad apples spoil the batch. You can be sure of that. Thank you for coming.