John C. Reilly: Richard Wehlner

The Promotion

Richard Wehlner

Richard: We're all just out here trying to get some food... sometimes, we bump into each other.

[During the motivational retreat, the employees form a circle around the retreat leader. They are instructed to place paper bags over their heads]
Retreat Leader: I want you to take off one thing that you don't need... quickly! Come on.
[Everyone takes off their paper bags, except Richard, who removes his watch. They all stare at Richard, who still has his paper bag over his head]
Retreat Leader: Let's take something else off that you really don't need... right away!
[Richard takes off his shoes as some of the employees begin to laugh]
Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need, let's make it happen. Come on!
[Richard removes his belt while the employees continue to laugh]
Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need. Come on, let's go. Something completely unnecessary.
[Richard turns to his right]
Richard: Doug, can we take our sack off?
Doug Stauber: What?
[Everyone bursts in laughter]
Richard: Did you take your sack off?
Doug Stauber: I can't really hear you.
Retreat Leader: If you could take off one more thing you simply do not need. Do it!
Richard: [whispers] Fuck!
[Richard removes his shirt, revealing a tattoo of the band KISS on his chest, to the delight of everyone else]
Retreat Leader: Okay, uhhh... all right, everybody that still has a bag on top of their heads, scream, 'My concentration skills need improvement.' One, two, three.
Richard: My concentration skills need improvement!
[Everyone bursts into laughter]

[Richard explains to the board of directors the sign that cited the deli clerk as employee of the month for "cutting the cheese."]
Richard: 'Cutting the cheese' simply means 'cutting the actual cheese'. It doesn't have a double-thing? So I just missed it. Because in Canada, it's 'cracking'.
Mitch: The expression.
Richard: It's 'cracking', in Canada, yeah. We crack the cheese.
[Long pause between Richard and the board of directors]
Richard: Cracking it? Cracking the cheese? So I simply, really believed that Rogelio had been given an inter-deli award... for cutting the actual cheese. I'm sorry.
[Another long pause as a board member writes Richard's comments]
Richard: I simply believed Rogelio had been given an inter-deli award...
Mitch: I heard you the first time.

[after giving his apology speech at a community center following his incident with a gang at the supermarket, Doug meets with Richard, the board of directors and the community leaders]
First Community Leader: I think everybody is feeling pretty good about it.
Richard: Yeah.
First Community Leader: It's isolated.
Richard: Oh yeah, it's a one-time thing.
First Community Leader: What's that?
Richard: I agree, it's isolated. I think it was just some 'black apples'. We won't be seeing that happen again.
[Long pause between everyone]
First Community Leader: Black apples.
Richard: What's that?
First Community Leader: You said, 'black apples'?
[Another long pause]
Richard: I said bad ones...?
First Community Leader: The fuck you said bad.
Richard: Bad apples?
First Community Leader: You said black.
Richard: I'm sorry if there's some confusion. Maybe in the confusion, I...
Mitch: Hey, come on. It's been a long day. That was a slip.
First Community Leader: This is a lot of shit.
Richard: You are not a black apple to me. I said, that possibly, there was one black one in the batch, not you. And I didn't mean to say black. I meant 'back'... 'blatch', blah... 'blapples'.
[Long pause between everyone]
First Community Leader: Where'd you get this fucker?
[the community leaders walk away as Mitch follows them]
Mitch: Let's catch up outside. I'll hit you with some gift certificates.

[Richard struggles to assemble a ship in a bottle while his motivational tape plays in the background]
Motivational Speaker: Have you ever seen an eagle blow his top? Do your best to keep your cool.
Richard: Stay loose...
[the ship tips over when Richard places his tweezers near it]
Richard: Fuck!
Motivational Speaker: Every life has its frustrations, but be careful not to let them get the best of you in front of your family. Instead of curses, find a more family-friendly way to express life's frustrations.
[Richard drops his tweezers inside the bottle, causing him to get up in anger]
Richard: Fuck you! Ship fuck! Asshole ship! Seven seas fucker! Jolly fucker!
Lori Wehlner: For Christ's sake...
Richard: No one can do that! It's impossible! Not even a guy with tiny hands! Not even a guy with a child's hands! Fuck that!

Hardy: Hey, Mr. Wehlner.
Richard: Hey, Hardy. How are you doing?
Hardy: I'm doing good.
Richard: What did you do last night?
Hardy: I went to the movies with my sister.
Richard: You did?
Hardy: Yeah.
Richard: That sounds awesome.
Hardy: Guess what?
Richard: What?
Hardy: I'm growing a mustache.
Richard: All right. That's cool.
[offers a handshake]
Richard: Hey, Hardy, you're doing a great job at the store here.
Hardy: Thanks.
Richard: Keep it up.
[as Hardy walks away, Richard feels his right hand after shaking it with Hardy and gives an uneasy look on his face. Doug sees this and approaches him]
Doug Stauber: What's going on?
Richard: Oh, nothing. Just... Hardy. It just gets sad, sometimes. Do you know why Hardy's hand is powdered?
Doug Stauber: Why?
Richard: These retarded guys... masturbate so much that they rub the skin off their penises. They don't know better, and that they have a hard time not jerking off.
[Mitch and the board of directors appear behind Richard]
Richard: Hey!
[Richard walks away as Mitch approaches Doug. He watches the conversation from a distance]
Mitch: Was he talking about jerking off in the store?

Richard: You hear that guy? 'Where'd you get this fucker?' Maybe I don't belong here. Maybe he's right.
Lori Wehlner: You, you just... you said, 'blapples', hon. It was weird.