- Miss Jenkins: Mr. Elkman? I was just wondering. I... Well, this sounds so juvenile, but I'm a big fan of your book. The characterizations were incredible.
- John "Jack" Elkman: Thanks.
- Miss Jenkins: It's just that, well, you obviously left the ending of the book open. You left your protagonists in a cliffhanger. Those are supposed to be resolved, and, well, it's been several years now.
- John "Jack" Elkman: Yeah, I know. I left them in a lurch and I can't get them out of it.
- Miss Jenkins: What happened?
- John "Jack" Elkman: They stopped talking to me.
- Scott Elkman: [at the grocery store] Got the peanut butter, Dad
- John "Jack" Elkman: No, not that brand.
- Scott Elkman: Why not?
- John "Jack" Elkman: Because, according to the commercials, choosy moms choose that brand. So choosy dads will choose their competitor.
- Scott Elkman: You are so weird.
- John "Jack" Elkman: Guys, I am screwed. Royally screwed. "Drop the soap in a prison shower" screwed. We're talking...
- [notices his friends' children looking at him and digs in his pockets]
- John "Jack" Elkman: Quarters! Look, lots of them. Go play video games. Go get Uncle Jack the high score.
- John "Jack" Elkman: I have a problem.
- Jamie: What's that? Your gay nanny's seeing more hetero action than you are?
- Monica Elkman: I don't need you.
- Jamie: Of course you don't. Good God, girl, do you think I'm trying to take your place? I wouldn't want your life if someone paid me a million dollars.
- Monica Elkman: Then what are you doing here?
- Jamie: Scouting. We're always looking for new recruits, you know. It's too late for your dad, but if I play my cards right, by Scott's eighteenth birthday I think I can have him tripping the light fantastic.
- Jamie: Give me ten minutes with her, Jack. Then if she still wants me gone, I'll leave.
- Scott Elkman: [to Jack] He's gonna make the pancakes first, though, right?
