Fred Tatasciore: KGB Agents • Cyclosporasis • Additional Voices

Destroy All Humans! 2

KGB Agents • Cyclosporasis • Additional Voices

Ivan Oranchov: I don't get it. We blew that alien spacecraft out of the sky and yet the shriveled geriatric one still survived. These zhopas must be harder to kill than we thought.
KGB Agent: I spit on them! Ptooey!
Ivan Oranchov: Nonetheless, inform the Kremlin that we shall proceed with the operation as planned. Tell them we need as much Revelade as they can ship, as quickly as they can ship it.
KGB Agent: Da, Agent Oranchov.
Ivan Oranchov: And our American "distributor"?
KGB Agent: He suspects nothing. In fact he seemed quite enthusiastic about whole idea. He thinks we'll be spreading revolution in a paper cup.
Ivan Oranchov: And so we will. But not, I think, the sort he expects. Idealists.
KGB Agent: I spit on them.
Ivan Oranchov: Stalin, he understood. Ideas may start a revolution, but guns and gulags finish them. Well, no matter. Soon the citizens of Bay City will be embarking on a very bad trip.
[he laughs evilly while the KGB agent joins in]

Cosmonaut 1: [during Crypto's speech] Why are we not being allowed in area just northeast of here?
Cosmonaut 2: Da, what are you having to hide?
Crypto: Because Milenkov thinks you're too drunk and stupid to go over there without getting lost, that's why.
Cosmonaut 2: Drunk, okay, but STUPID? Why, that zhopa!
Cosmonaut 1: Da! We can no longer be trusting Premier Milenkov!
Crypto: Oh, it ain't just Milenkov, kids. The Blisk think you're a bunch of morons, too.
Cosmonaut 2: Bliskeviks, also? But they're always telling us Soviet Union will be ruling world!
Cosmonaut 1: Da, Leonid! What evidence are you having to mistrust Bliskeviks?
Crypto: *Evidence*? They're controlling your mind!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... I am thinking Comrade Cosmonaut Leonid is drinking too much Revelade.
Crypto: They've taken over your entire government!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... Comrade Leonid is perhaps watching too much American television.
Crypto: They're giant freakin' lobsters! From outer freakin' space!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... we are seeing long-term psychological effects of space travel. Poor Leonid.
Crypto: They're taking away your vodka!
Cosmonaut 1, Cosmonaut 2: [gasps]

[first lines]
Ivan Oranchov: Premier comrade Milenkov, comrade agents, thank you for coming. Here's what we know so far.
[a slide show displaying the first game's events and its aftermath is shown]
Ivan Oranchov: Ten years ago, the United States government covered up an invasion by an alien race known as Furons. Their primary agent was this Furon: Cryptosporidium-137, dangerous, unpredictable and now deceased.
Milenkov: So? What is being problem?
Ivan Oranchov: The problem, comrade, is that Furons can clone themselves and pose convincingly as humans, and they've used these abilities to put Cryptosporidium-138 into the White House!
KGB Agent: [gasps] The American people are not noticing?
[all laugh]
Ivan Oranchov: Da, right. Pull the other one. Even worse, this new Crypto clone contains pure Furon DNA harvested from human brains by Orthopox-13, mastermind of the invasion. He also bears a mysterious new mutation referred to only as "the package".
Milenkov, KGB Agent: Oooh!
Ivan Oranchov: These aliens pose a dire threat to the Soviet Union, comrades, and so they must be destroyed! As we speak, President Crypto is in Bay City, attending a youth cultural fest, and Orthopox conducting experiments in the Furon mother ship.

KGB Agent: We cannot contain the virus! We must destroy the cure!
Crypto: Way to mix those cliches. Whose translating this anyway? You oughta get your money back, lat me show you how it's done. Yippee-ki-ya Mother Russia!

Agent Soychorski: Curse you, Furon! I am atheist, but on the off chance hell exists, I will haunt you from beyond!

Crypto: [disguised as a hippie] So I kill the Sergeant but avoid the crates... Hey, wait a minute... ain't I a pacifist?
KGB Agent: Once you are returning all the crates, we will be paying you the agreed-upon fee.
Crypto: Ah, the sweet smell of political principles being compromised.

KGB Agent: Destroy cult. Kill leader. Buy milk. Feed cat. Not enough hours in day.

Admiral Cyclosporasis: I could just dispatch another fleet commander who can get the DNA without having his mothership blown to qwarks!
Orthopox-13: Another com... but Admiral... this whole mission was my idea! I selected the target planet... I drew up the briefing manuals... I defended the plan in front of the entire war council! You can't take this detail away from me!
Admiral Cyclosporasis: Don't tell me what I can and can't do Commander. Hold tight, and I'll send someone to pick you up... as soon as I can spare the rescue pod.

KGB Agent: [confronting Crypto] Greetings, comrade. Mother Russia sends her regards.
Crypto: You expect me to beg, human?
KGB Agent: No, little Furon, I expect you to die.
[pulls a gun on Crypto, who pulls his own gun on the agent]
Crypto: Mine's bigger.

[a disguised Crypto has warned the Cosmonauts that the Blisk plans to rob them of their vodka]
Cosmonaut 1: This... This is being outrage! Anything else can being endured, if we're having enough vodka!
Cosmonaut 2: Da! Without vodka, Russia would have been democracy 200 years ago!
Cosmonaut 1: This will not be standing! There is being no such thing as free lunch, Bliskeviks!
Crypto: Yeah! Give me vodka or give me death!
Cosmonaut 1: Da!
Crypto: Yeah! So what does this mean for the Bliskeviks?
Cosmonaut 2: Bad news for the Bliskeviks!
Crypto: That's the spirit! Now get out there, find the Blisk and kill them crabbies dead!
Cosmonaut 2: For vodka!

KGB Agent: Damn you Americans! You taunt me with your decadent fast foods. Your colas, your delectable cheeseburgers, your onion rings with the zesty dipping sauces... eh... DAMN YOU!

KGB Agent: I know cannot be true... I am ashamed even to think of it... But it haunts my soul day and night... Special sauce? Lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions - TWO all-beef patties? All on sesame seed bun?