- Shary Bobbins: Hello. I'm Sharry Bobbins.
- Homer Simpson: [excited] Did you say Mary Pop...?
- Shary Bobbins: No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.
- Shary Bobbins: It's 8:00, children. Time for bed.
- Lisa Simpson: But we're not sleepy.
- Bart Simpson: Sing us a song, Shary Bobbins.
- Lisa Simpson: Yes, sing us a song.
- Shary Bobbins: I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox!
- Shary Bobbins: I do everything from changing diapers to telling stories.
- Abe Simpson: Put me down for one of each!
- TV Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey! Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo theater and...
- [notices a big sign behind him]
- Krusty the Clown: "KKK"? That's not good.
- [laughs nervously, then people from the audience start shouting, throwing food and glass bottles]
- Rainer Wolfcastle: [singing] Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z / Mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.
- Shary Bobbins: It's good to see you, Willie.
- Groundskeeper Willie: [angry] That's not what you said the first time you saw me!
- Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
- Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
- Charles Bronson: I shot him.
- Barney: Well that's... what?
- Charles Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
- [cocks gun]
- Charles Bronson: To fix Emmett.
- ["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]
- [on TV, during an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon]
- Quentin Tarantino: What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, y'know. It's, like, even in breakfast cereals, man.
- [Itchy cuts off his head and him and Scratchy dance around it]
- Shary Bobbins: [singing] Wasted away again in Margaritaville.
- Barney: [singing] Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
- [spoken]
- Barney: Oh, here it is.
- [pours the salt into his mouth]
- Principal Skinner: [Jimbo and Skinner are dressed as Oliver Twist and Mr. Bumble, respectively] Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
- Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
- Principal Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.
- Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.
- [cut to Moe's]
- Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
- Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
- Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.
- Lisa Simpson: [as Shary flies away] Do you think we'll ever see her again?
- Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will, honey.
- [Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine]
- Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will.
- Krusty the Clown: Now, I'd like to introduce a new feature never before seen on TV. Dumb Pet Tricks.
- [points to a dog on the floor, laughs nervously]
- Krusty the Clown: Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball.
- [throws the red ball behind him but the dog grabs hold of his red nose]
- Krusty the Clown: AH! OW! Somebody shoot it! Somebody shoot it!
- Homer Simpson: [interviewing potential nannies] Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire". This is a man in drag!
- [pulling at the woman's hair]
- Homer Simpson: You're phony. Fake phony broad! Gimme those!
- Marge Simpson: [he chases her off] Homer, if you're going to do this to every applicant, we're never going to find one.
- Homer Simpson: Sorry.
- Lisa Simpson: Oh, Shary Bobbins, this is ever so much fun.
- Bart Simpson: With you, every day is Guy Fawkes Day!
- Montgomery Burns: Bah, humbug.
- Shary Bobbins: Oh, Mr. Burns, I think you'll find all life's problems just float away when you're flying a kite.
- Montgomery Burns: Balderdash. This is the silliest load of... ooh! Look at it fly! Whee! Look at me, Smithers! I feel practically superduperfragicalicexpiala...
- [storm clouds form and he's electrocuted by a bolt of lightning]
- Montgomery Burns: do... ohhhh! Ooh. What's this strange sensation in my chest?
- Waylon Smithers: [feeling his chest] I think your heart's beating again.
- Montgomery Burns: Ooh. That takes me back. God bless you, Shary Bobbins.
- Krusty the Clown: Now, let's hear it for a great American, former President, Gerald Ford!
- Gerald Ford: Thank you, Krusty, for inviting me.
- Krusty the Clown: Well, all the good presidents turned us down.
- Gerald Ford: Oh. Well, I'd like to talk about a topic that is very important to me.
- [Krusty snaps his fingers and begins to make funny faces as the subtitle 'Boring' flashes repeatedly]
- Gerald Ford: The Boy Scouts of America have molded men for over a hundred years, and...
- [notices Krusty]
- Gerald Ford: What are you...
- Krusty the Clown: Uh, how's your wife, Nancy?
- Gerald Ford: Betty!
- Krusty the Clown: Who cares?
- Kearney: I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line... pow!
- Homer Simpson: I like him.
- Kearney: Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor?
- Homer Simpson: I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.
- Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for.
- Kearney: [under his breath as he leaves] You're telling me, you blue-haired witch.
- Marge Simpson: I heard that!
- Homer Simpson: [suggestively] Marge, I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN.
- Marge Simpson: Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Homer Simpson: Come on. There's no need for that baba-ma-bushka.
- Marge Simpson: All right, but don't be shocked.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, there's no way I could...
- [she removes the towel from her head]
- Homer Simpson: AHHH!
- Marge Simpson: Homie, I'm losing my hair.
- Homer Simpson: Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell. Just like my hair.
- [imagining herself with hair like his, she sobs into his shoulder]
- Krusty the Clown: And now, our parody of "Mad About You", entitled "Mad About Shoe."
- [getting into a bed with an oversized stiletto]
- Krusty the Clown: Give me a kiss, baby. No tongue.
- [food and glass bottles are thrown at him]
- Krusty the Clown: Oh, you're not gonna like our "NYPD Shoe" sketch. It's pretty much the same thing.
- Marge Simpson: I was just with Dr. Hibbert. He said I was under a lot of stress and should get some help.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, whatever it takes to make you well, we'll do it.
- Marge Simpson: Well, I was thinking we could hire a nanny to help me out.
- Bart Simpson: A nanny?
- Homer Simpson: But how am I supposed to pay for that?
- Lisa Simpson: We'll find a way. Mom has made so many sacrifices for us, it's time we gave up something for her. I'll stop buying Malibu Stacy clothing.
- Bart Simpson: And I'll take up smoking and give that up.
- Homer Simpson: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
- Lisa Simpson: But he didn't do anything.
- Homer Simpson: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?
- [realizing and taking the dollar back]
- Homer Simpson: Hey, wait a minute. He didn't!
- Homer Simpson: Now, Ms. Bobbins, if you want this job, you're going to have to answer a few questions. First, do you have any bad habits?
- Shary Bobbins: No. I'm practically perfect in every way.
- Homer Simpson: Well, so am I.
- [he boorishly drinks milk straight from the carton while scratching his butt, then belches]
- Homer Simpson: Ah! Okay. Question two. Who was your last employer?
- Shary Bobbins: Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.
- Homer Simpson: [leaning over to Marge] Marge, do we know them?
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Homer Simpson: Come on. Isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy?
- Marge Simpson: That's Carl.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah.
- [to Shary]
- Homer Simpson: So, you worked for Carl, eh?
- Bart Simpson: I have a question. Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a "Playdude". What do you do? What do you do?
- Shary Bobbins: I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap about his waning libido.
- Homer Simpson: Ooh. She is tough.
- Marge Simpson: [hiring Shary] My, she seems too good to be true.
- Homer Simpson: I'll say. Her butt waxed the banister.
- Marge Simpson: [seeing her reflection] Ooh! I can see myself.
- Shary Bobbins: The policeman on the beat/Needs some time to rest his feet.
- Chief Wiggum: Fighting crime is not my cup of tea.
- Shary Bobbins: And the clerk who runs the store/Can charge a little more/For meat.
- Apu: For meat.
- Shary Bobbins: And milk.
- Apu: And milk.
- Shary Bobbins, Apu: From 1984.
- Shary Bobbins: If... you... cut every corner, you'll have more time for play
- Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Shary Bobbins: It's the American way.
- [as they leave Bart's room, Homer slams the door shut, and everything the kids put away spills back out]
- Marge Simpson: I guess we're not going to find anyone.
- Lisa Simpson: We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them?
- Homer Simpson: You have my undivided attention.
- [his mind is distracted by animation accompanied by "Turkey in the Straw"]
- Marge Simpson: Well, I'd like to hear your suggestions.
- Lisa Simpson: Maestro, if you please.
- [Bart turns on a boom box]
- Lisa Simpson: [singing] If you wish to be our sitter/Please be sweet and never bitter/Help us with math and book reports.
- Bart Simpson: Might I add, eat my shorts.
- Lisa Simpson: Bart!
- Bart Simpson: Just cuttin' through the treacle.
- Lisa Simpson: If Maggie's fussy, don't avoid her.
- Bart Simpson: Let me get away with moider.
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Teach us songs and magic tricks.
- Homer Simpson: Might I add, no fat chicks.
- Marge Simpson: Homer!
- Lisa Simpson: The nanny we want is kindly and sage.
- Homer Simpson: And one who will work for minimum wage.
- Lisa Simpson: Hurry, nanny, things are grim.
- Abe Simpson: I'll do it!
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Anyone but him.
- Shary Bobbins: All right, children. Let's clean up this room.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, man!
- Lisa Simpson: Do we have to?
- Shary Bobbins: Now, now. I know a little secret that will make the job go twice as fast.
- [singing to the melody of "Spoonful of Sugar"]
- Shary Bobbins: If there's a task that must be done/Don't turn your tail and run/Don't pout, don't sob/Just do a half-assed job/If... you... cut every corner, it is really not so bad/Everybody does it, even Mom and Dad.
- [outside, Homer dumps a used couch into Flanders' yard]
- Shary Bobbins: If nobody sees it, then nobody gets mad.
- Bart Simpson: It's the American way.
- Bart Simpson: Ma, could you get me some milk?
- Marge Simpson: Can't you get it yourself?
- Bart Simpson: Oh, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid.
- Marge Simpson: [he starts hacking] Oh, all right, all right. I'll get your milk.
- Bart Simpson: Thank you.
- Marge Simpson: [going to the kitchen] Does anyone else want anything while I'm up?
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Homer Simpson: No.
- Homer Simpson: [as soon as she returns and sits down] Marge, get me a beer.
- Marge Simpson: Ooh!
- Lisa Simpson: Uh, mom?
- Marge Simpson: [snappishly] What?
- Lisa Simpson: [meekly] Um, there's a hair in my soup. But I'll just eat around it.
- Marge Simpson: What kind of hair?
- Lisa Simpson: Well, it's blue. Six feet long...
- Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson: Ew!
- Marge Simpson: It's my hair! Excuse me.
- Homer Simpson: Your mother seems really upset about something. I'd better go have a talk with her. During the commercial.
- Shary Bobbins: I believe my work here is done.
- Marge Simpson: Thank you for everything.
- Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: We'll miss you, Shary Bobbins.
- Homer Simpson: You've changed me, as well. I'm no longer the money-driven workaholic I once was.
- Shary Bobbins: I love you all.
- [giving them a final wave and leaving]
- Shary Bobbins: Oh! To think I'll never hear those sweet voices again.
- Homer Simpson: [crashing through the front window, strangling Bart] Aw, you... you... you little...!
- Shary Bobbins: Oh.
- [heading back in, she sees Lisa aimlessly banging on a pot, and gasps upon seeing Maggie using a fire extinguisher to put out the front curtains and Marge shivering, with her hair falling out again]
- Shary Bobbins: Oh, I'll just unpack my things.
- Abe Simpson: [floating outside through the open door] I think we got our umbrellas switched! Whee! I never felt so alive!
- [he begins snoring as he floats away]
- Lisa Simpson: More kippers, mum?
- Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you.
- Homer Simpson: Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding.
- Bart Simpson: The secret ingredient is blood.
- Homer Simpson: Blood? Ugh! I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.
- Homer Simpson: [watching a depressed, drinking Shary] Aw, that poor woman.
- Lisa Simpson: We've crushed her gentle spirit.
- Bart Simpson: You people should be ashamed of yourselves.
- Shary Bobbins: [singing] In front of a tavern/Flat on his face/A boozehound named Barney/Is pleading his case.
- Barney: Buy me a beer/Two bucks a glass/Come on, help me/I'm freezing my ass/Buy me a brandy/A snifter of wine/Who am I kidding?/I'll drink turpentine.
- Moe: Move it, ya drunk/Or I'll blast your rear end.
- Barney: I found two bucks.
- Moe: Then come in, my friend.
- Shary Bobbins: And so, let us leave/On this heartwarming scene.
- Bart Simpson: [falling asleep] Can I be a boozehound?
- Homer Simpson: Not 'til you're 15.
- Marge Simpson: Shary, you did the best you could, but you can't change this family, and neither can I. From now on, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the ride.
- Shary Bobbins: But haven't I taught you people anything?
- Homer Simpson: Nope.
- Lisa Simpson: No.
- Bart Simpson: Nope.
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Shary Bobbins: So you like it this way?
- Homer Simpson: Indubitably!
- [singing]
- Homer Simpson: Around the house/I never lift a finger/As a husband and father, I'm sub-par/I'd rather drink a beer than win Father of the Year/I'm happy with things the way they are.
- Lisa Simpson: I'm getting used to never getting noticed.
- Bart Simpson: I'm stuck here 'til I can steal a car.
- Marge Simpson: The house is still a mess/And I'm going bald from stress.
- Marge Simpson, Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: But we're happy just the way we are!
- Ned Flanders: They're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbor.
- Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders.
- Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-do.
- Shary Bobbins: Don't think it's sour grapes/But you're all a bunch of apes/And so I must be leaving you.
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: [watching her fly away] Goodbye, Shary Bobbins!
- Marge Simpson: Thanks for everything!
- Barney: So long, Superman!
- Homer Simpson: Shary Bobbins! I want another beer.
- Shary Bobbins: Well, you know, Homer...
- [singing]
- Shary Bobbins: If there's a job that must be done/You'll find it's much more fun...
- Homer Simpson: [interrupting] You'll find it's even *more* fun if *you* get it for *me*.
- Shary Bobbins: [continuing] But the beer will taste more sweet/If you get up off your seat...
- Bart Simpson: Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.
- Shary Bobbins: Lisa, don't sit in front of that telly like a fly stuck on a toffee. It's a great big world out there.
- Lisa Simpson: Been there, done it.
- Shary Bobbins: I know! We could have a tea party on the ceiling.
- Lisa Simpson: Shh. TV.
- Shary Bobbins: Bart Simpson, this room is a frightful mess.
- Bart Simpson: [throwing cupcakes at the wall] I'll get right on it.
- Shary Bobbins: Bart, don't you remember? Cleaning up can be a game.
- Bart Simpson: I got a better game. It's called "whipping cupcakes."
- Marge Simpson: That Shary Bobbins is a miracle worker! The kids love her, the house is spotless, and my hair's grown back! It's so full and thick, it can support a beach umbrella.
- Homer Simpson: [she demonstrates] Come to bed, Marge.
- Marge Simpson: Oh! Ooh.
- Homer Simpson: [she moves to take the umbrella out] No, no. Leave it in.
