Julie Kavner credited as playing...
Marge Simpson
- Homer Simpson: [interviewing potential nannies] Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire". This is a man in drag!
- [pulling at the woman's hair]
- Homer Simpson: You're phony. Fake phony broad! Gimme those!
- Marge Simpson: [he chases her off] Homer, if you're going to do this to every applicant, we're never going to find one.
- Homer Simpson: Sorry.
- Kearney: I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line... pow!
- Homer Simpson: I like him.
- Kearney: Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor?
- Homer Simpson: I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.
- Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for.
- Kearney: [under his breath as he leaves] You're telling me, you blue-haired witch.
- Marge Simpson: I heard that!
- Homer Simpson: [suggestively] Marge, I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN.
- Marge Simpson: Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Homer Simpson: Come on. There's no need for that baba-ma-bushka.
- Marge Simpson: All right, but don't be shocked.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, there's no way I could...
- [she removes the towel from her head]
- Homer Simpson: AHHH!
- Marge Simpson: Homie, I'm losing my hair.
- Homer Simpson: Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell. Just like my hair.
- [imagining herself with hair like his, she sobs into his shoulder]
- Marge Simpson: I was just with Dr. Hibbert. He said I was under a lot of stress and should get some help.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, whatever it takes to make you well, we'll do it.
- Marge Simpson: Well, I was thinking we could hire a nanny to help me out.
- Bart Simpson: A nanny?
- Homer Simpson: But how am I supposed to pay for that?
- Lisa Simpson: We'll find a way. Mom has made so many sacrifices for us, it's time we gave up something for her. I'll stop buying Malibu Stacy clothing.
- Bart Simpson: And I'll take up smoking and give that up.
- Homer Simpson: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
- Lisa Simpson: But he didn't do anything.
- Homer Simpson: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?
- [realizing and taking the dollar back]
- Homer Simpson: Hey, wait a minute. He didn't!
- Homer Simpson: Now, Ms. Bobbins, if you want this job, you're going to have to answer a few questions. First, do you have any bad habits?
- Shary Bobbins: No. I'm practically perfect in every way.
- Homer Simpson: Well, so am I.
- [he boorishly drinks milk straight from the carton while scratching his butt, then belches]
- Homer Simpson: Ah! Okay. Question two. Who was your last employer?
- Shary Bobbins: Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.
- Homer Simpson: [leaning over to Marge] Marge, do we know them?
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Homer Simpson: Come on. Isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy?
- Marge Simpson: That's Carl.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah.
- [to Shary]
- Homer Simpson: So, you worked for Carl, eh?
- Bart Simpson: I have a question. Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a "Playdude". What do you do? What do you do?
- Shary Bobbins: I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap about his waning libido.
- Homer Simpson: Ooh. She is tough.
- Marge Simpson: [hiring Shary] My, she seems too good to be true.
- Homer Simpson: I'll say. Her butt waxed the banister.
- Marge Simpson: [seeing her reflection] Ooh! I can see myself.
- Shary Bobbins: The policeman on the beat/Needs some time to rest his feet.
- Chief Wiggum: Fighting crime is not my cup of tea.
- Shary Bobbins: And the clerk who runs the store/Can charge a little more/For meat.
- Apu: For meat.
- Shary Bobbins: And milk.
- Apu: And milk.
- Shary Bobbins, Apu: From 1984.
- Shary Bobbins: If... you... cut every corner, you'll have more time for play
- Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Shary Bobbins: It's the American way.
- [as they leave Bart's room, Homer slams the door shut, and everything the kids put away spills back out]
- Marge Simpson: I guess we're not going to find anyone.
- Lisa Simpson: We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them?
- Homer Simpson: You have my undivided attention.
- [his mind is distracted by animation accompanied by "Turkey in the Straw"]
- Marge Simpson: Well, I'd like to hear your suggestions.
- Lisa Simpson: Maestro, if you please.
- [Bart turns on a boom box]
- Lisa Simpson: [singing] If you wish to be our sitter/Please be sweet and never bitter/Help us with math and book reports.
- Bart Simpson: Might I add, eat my shorts.
- Lisa Simpson: Bart!
- Bart Simpson: Just cuttin' through the treacle.
- Lisa Simpson: If Maggie's fussy, don't avoid her.
- Bart Simpson: Let me get away with moider.
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Teach us songs and magic tricks.
- Homer Simpson: Might I add, no fat chicks.
- Marge Simpson: Homer!
- Lisa Simpson: The nanny we want is kindly and sage.
- Homer Simpson: And one who will work for minimum wage.
- Lisa Simpson: Hurry, nanny, things are grim.
- Abe Simpson: I'll do it!
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Anyone but him.
- Bart Simpson: Ma, could you get me some milk?
- Marge Simpson: Can't you get it yourself?
- Bart Simpson: Oh, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid.
- Marge Simpson: [he starts hacking] Oh, all right, all right. I'll get your milk.
- Bart Simpson: Thank you.
- Marge Simpson: [going to the kitchen] Does anyone else want anything while I'm up?
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Homer Simpson: No.
- Homer Simpson: [as soon as she returns and sits down] Marge, get me a beer.
- Marge Simpson: Ooh!
- Lisa Simpson: Uh, mom?
- Marge Simpson: [snappishly] What?
- Lisa Simpson: [meekly] Um, there's a hair in my soup. But I'll just eat around it.
- Marge Simpson: What kind of hair?
- Lisa Simpson: Well, it's blue. Six feet long...
- Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson: Ew!
- Marge Simpson: It's my hair! Excuse me.
- Homer Simpson: Your mother seems really upset about something. I'd better go have a talk with her. During the commercial.
- Shary Bobbins: I believe my work here is done.
- Marge Simpson: Thank you for everything.
- Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: We'll miss you, Shary Bobbins.
- Homer Simpson: You've changed me, as well. I'm no longer the money-driven workaholic I once was.
- Shary Bobbins: I love you all.
- [giving them a final wave and leaving]
- Shary Bobbins: Oh! To think I'll never hear those sweet voices again.
- Homer Simpson: [crashing through the front window, strangling Bart] Aw, you... you... you little...!
- Shary Bobbins: Oh.
- [heading back in, she sees Lisa aimlessly banging on a pot, and gasps upon seeing Maggie using a fire extinguisher to put out the front curtains and Marge shivering, with her hair falling out again]
- Shary Bobbins: Oh, I'll just unpack my things.
- Abe Simpson: [floating outside through the open door] I think we got our umbrellas switched! Whee! I never felt so alive!
- [he begins snoring as he floats away]
- Lisa Simpson: More kippers, mum?
- Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you.
- Homer Simpson: Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding.
- Bart Simpson: The secret ingredient is blood.
- Homer Simpson: Blood? Ugh! I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.
- Marge Simpson: Shary, you did the best you could, but you can't change this family, and neither can I. From now on, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the ride.
- Shary Bobbins: But haven't I taught you people anything?
- Homer Simpson: Nope.
- Lisa Simpson: No.
- Bart Simpson: Nope.
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Shary Bobbins: So you like it this way?
- Homer Simpson: Indubitably!
- [singing]
- Homer Simpson: Around the house/I never lift a finger/As a husband and father, I'm sub-par/I'd rather drink a beer than win Father of the Year/I'm happy with things the way they are.
- Lisa Simpson: I'm getting used to never getting noticed.
- Bart Simpson: I'm stuck here 'til I can steal a car.
- Marge Simpson: The house is still a mess/And I'm going bald from stress.
- Marge Simpson, Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: But we're happy just the way we are!
- Ned Flanders: They're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbor.
- Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders.
- Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-do.
- Shary Bobbins: Don't think it's sour grapes/But you're all a bunch of apes/And so I must be leaving you.
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: [watching her fly away] Goodbye, Shary Bobbins!
- Marge Simpson: Thanks for everything!
- Barney: So long, Superman!
- Marge Simpson: That Shary Bobbins is a miracle worker! The kids love her, the house is spotless, and my hair's grown back! It's so full and thick, it can support a beach umbrella.
- Homer Simpson: [she demonstrates] Come to bed, Marge.
- Marge Simpson: Oh! Ooh.
- Homer Simpson: [she moves to take the umbrella out] No, no. Leave it in.
