Jack Klugman credited as playing...
Oscar Madison
- Felix Unger: [Felix has just returned from his first night at his writing class. His assignment is to write 200 words based on something he saw on his way home that night. We see Felix in Oscar's bedroom] After class was over, I was walking home - the streets were deserted. I had the city all to myself. I could commune with my thoughts. As I passed that construction site - on 68th street, suddenly
- [Felix gets manic]
- Felix Unger: I was frozen! I couldn't move!
- Oscar Madison: [Quizzically] Wet cement?
- Felix Unger: Oscar - I wrote this poem; 'Ode To a Skyscraper'.
- [Oscar stares blankly at Felix, as he proceeds to read his poem]
- Felix Unger: 'Born from the rubble that lies there / nutured through snow and through rain / by men whose only companions / are derrick, and shovel, and crane. / Center for great institutions / place where conglomerates grow / yet home for the little cigar shop / with the candies - all in a row.
- [Felix gets very dramatic with his reading, his voice getting louder]
- Felix Unger: Seven - seven - seven, they will call you / towards heaven, heaven, heaven you will soar! / Only God can make a tree, I will grant you / but only man can make a 40th floor.
- Felix Unger: [Felix can hardly contain his pride] What do you think?
- Felix Unger: [Oscar scratches his neck] You can't talk, it leaves you speechless! Oh, I knew it would! Oscar, I made a copy for you!
- Oscar Madison: I'll put it in a very appropriate place.
- [Felix leaves the room ecstatic, while Oscar shuffles toward the bathroom to 'deposit' Felix's poem]
- Felix Unger: [Felix is near-delirious about the A+ he received in writing class and is huddled in his room typing away, when Oscar turns on his football radio by mistake] What's that noise?
- Oscar Madison: I fixed the radio
- Felix Unger: The music interrupted my train of thought. Now, I've got to get back on the track. Train, track - You see? I'm writing all the time! I rhyme all the time! Rhyme all the time - ha! Very good! Anything, anything!
- Felix Unger: [Felix points at various objects around the room] Table. Label. Mabel, Gable, sable. Chair. Fair, hair, dare, compare. Rug! Chug, lug, mug. Orange!
- Felix Unger: [suddenly he is stuck without a rhyme] Orange! G -, sh -...
- Felix Unger: [He gives up on rhyming 'Orange', and starts again] Fruit! Boot! Loot! Suit!
- Felix Unger: [he points at Oscar] Root!
- Oscar Madison: Nutty...
- [the doorbell rings. Oscar goes to answer it]
- Oscar Madison: Ruddy, fuddy, duddy... buddy.
- Oscar Madison: [Miriam is at the door] Miriam, delirium, come into my solarium.
- Miriam Welby: [she realizes why Oscar is rhyming her name] He's still rhyming.
- Oscar Madison: Still rhyming.
- Miriam Welby: Last night I was afraid to pick up a glass.
