Quotes

Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding

[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
[We see a view of the "stripper" and the wad of bills]
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.

Adrian Monk: [Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album] She was... wow.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.

[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Natalie Teeger: Hey, is Parnell still dating that parole officer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Lt. Randall Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kind of cute.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.

[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lt. Bristo: So far he's John Doe. No ID. We figure his wallet's still in the mud bath.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found on the floor of the car.
Natalie Teeger: Is he the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Adrian Monk: Captain... he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
Lt. Bristo: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: [points] The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers.
[Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
Lt. Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [about Theresa Scott] You think maybe she's the guy?

Natalie Teeger: [standing with her foot on the killer's throat] Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

[seeing an evidence bag in her mother's hand]
Natalie Teeger: Mom, what is that?
Peggy Davenport: Oh, this is the exact shade of red that I wanted for the cocktail napkins. I was planning on showing it to Karen...
Natalie Teeger: Mom, that's misappropriation of evidence! That's a felony!
Peggy Davenport: Well, the old napkins were a felony!

[With Natalie gone, Monk is moping at home]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I love weddings. Do you know, I met Karen at a wedding?
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I still love weddings.
[He sits down next to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, you know who had a great wedding? You did. You and Trudy. Now that was a great day.
[Monk's sad face slowly disappears, and he smiles]

[Natalie notices Stottlemeyer taking photos]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the crime tech guys.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Because Randy says he might be able to identify the driver.
Adrian Monk: Did he get a good look at him?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Male Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figure I might develop these tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
Natalie Teeger: You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we file everybody upstairs one at a time.
[changes the subject]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Smile!
[Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a picture of them]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Blow out the candles, Lieutenant.
[after a few moments, Randy blows out the candle on his birthday cake, and the "spittle shield" on the cake bursts into flames. Randy makes a futile attempt to use paper to put out the fire, causing much a show, until Stottlemeyer puts it out with a fire extinguisher. The cake is now completely ruined. Monk comes over to Randy and says]
Adrian Monk: Hey, happy birthday.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You know I might think about reconsidering that investment.

[Stottlemeyer is showing photos of the wedding guests to Randy]
Lt. Randall Disher: No... no...
Adrian Monk: Do you have one of Theresa?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bride? Sure.
[flips through the photos]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh... uh... well, there's the side of her head. That's weird, I don't have a good shot of her.
[Monk looks up. They share a look, then Stottlemeyer nudges Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, could it have been a woman?
Lt. Randall Disher: [woozy] I don't know... I guess so.

[Randy has been hit by a car]
Natalie Teeger: How's he doing?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: A broken arm. A broken leg. Probably a couple of broken ribs. The suitcase took much of the blow, it could have been a lot worse.
Natalie Teeger: Can he identify the driver?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He can't even identify me. I'll try again later.
[to Monk]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What have you got?
Adrian Monk: [points to a spot on the ground] Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What, he was waiting for him?
Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks right there, he must have peeled out at full speed.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What so he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? Son-of-a-bitch! What happened? He was only here for an hour. Did he piss somebody off?

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