Gary Burghoff and Edward Winter in M*A*S*H (1972)

Quotes

The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan

MAS*H

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Now, what's the story on Houlihan?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Nobody's seen her.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Strange.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I've checked with everyone from Nurse Able to Sergeant Zale.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: A to Z, very methodical.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, I try to use the alphabet whenever I can, sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Think, Radar-- you must have missed someplace.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No, I looked everywhere except the nurse's showers.
[Potter looks up at Radar]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, no sir, I couldn't look in there! There might be naked female personnel showering with their clothes off!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: What's the big deal?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, well... nuditity makes me breathe funny.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Affects me the same way. Do it.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: But sir, couldn't we find somebody else, like, uh, maybe Captain Pierce?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: No, we'd never get him out of there. You're the man.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I... yes sir.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pardon me for asking, colonel, but why are you dressed like an Italian usher?
Colonel Flagg: Can you keep a secret?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I think so.
Colonel Flagg: I'm disguised as Ling Chow, a Chinese double agent.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Funny, you don't look Chinese.
Colonel Flagg: Neither would Ling Chow if he were dressed like this. Follow me?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: As far as I'd like to.
Colonel Flagg: Well, I'm off.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after Frank shot BJ in the leg] Burns, what's the meaning of this?
Maj. Frank Burns: I was cleaning my gun and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Maj. Houlihan.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I see. So naturally, you shot Capt. Hunnicut.

Maj. Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're only off by two letters.

Colonel Flagg: You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected. You were capable of murder!
Hawkeye: That's right! So you hit her over the head with a blunt instrument.
B.J.: A saxophone.
Hawkeye: Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.
B.J.: Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny.
Hawkeye: The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at The Sands.
B.J.: Three on Saturdays.
Colonel Flagg: There's only one flaw in that theory.
Hawkeye: Only one?
Colonel Flagg: They don't do three shows a night on Saturday at The Sands.
Hawkeye: How do you know?
Colonel Flagg: I was a showgirl for six weeks.

[Radar has just finished demonstrating with his teddy bear to some Korean women how to give birth]
Col. Potter: Congratulations, Mrs. O'Reilly, it's a bear.

Colonel Flagg: Don't try to be funny with me, Colonel. I've trained myself not to laugh or smile.
Col. Potter: Really?
Colonel Flagg: I watched a hundred hours of the Three Stooges. Every time I felt like smiling, I jabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.
Col. Potter: That oughta do it.

Hawkeye: Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot!
Maj. Frank Burns: I'm not acting!

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [on the phone] Sparky, I gotta go. Colonel Flagg just come in.
Colonel Flagg: Okay pipsqueak, what tipped you off?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, you don't look anything like you, sir. And since you're a master of disguises, I figured you're the only one who couldn't look like you that much.
Colonel Flagg: I'll buy that. For now.

Colonel Flagg: This won't look good on your record.
Frank Burns: But Colonel, it's just Reader's Digest.
Colonel Flagg: Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.

Klinger: [as a Korean girl looks him over puzzledly] This is what happens when you don't eat your vegetables.

Hawkeye: [referring to Col. Flagg who just jumped through a window] The Wind just broke its leg.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after Frank shot B.J] You've got to give him an A for resourcefulness. How many doctors do you know provide their own patients?

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I've been sitting here a long time and now I'd like to say something.
Colonel Flagg: What is it?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Good bye.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What happened?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!

Colonel Flagg: [after Frank Burns pats his shoulder] My father touched me that way once. To this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.

Colonel Flagg: Alert the Navy for offshore artillery. I want a squadron of copters for air-to-ground search and, uh, round up a box of scorpions. About a dozen.
Radar: You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions?
Colonel Flagg: Big ones.
Hawkeye: What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions?
Colonel Flagg: It's personal. Gift for a friend.
[Radar begins to leave]
Colonel Flagg: Corporal. If you can't find scorpions, get two snakes and a rat.
Radar: And a rat. Right, right.

Colonel Flagg: I have no home. I am the wind.
Hawkeye: [to BJ] I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars.
B.J.: No, I said he was the moon.

Colonel Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
[everyone closes and covers their eyes]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Bye!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See ya!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [about Flagg's plan] Why stop there? Why don't we just drop an atomic bomb.
Colonel Flagg: Hey, don't try to make friends with me.

Margaret: Klinger, you're a disgrace to the army.
Klinger: Thank you, ma'am. I'm doing my best.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: What is it, Burns?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, Colonel, I'm still worried about Margaret.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: We're all worried, Major.
Maj. Frank Burns: But I'm more worried than anybody else.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [gently] It's not a contest.

Colonel Flagg: If it weren't for war you wouldn't know what peace is.
B.J.: He's got a point there.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.

Colonel Flagg: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [intimidated] No.
Colonel Flagg: Good. Cause there's no such thing... yet.

Maj. Frank Burns: I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.
B.J.: I understand she's game.
Maj. Frank Burns: Don't be a smarty-pants. She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens. They have her hanging upside down by her feet from a bamboo tree... doing unspeakable things to her.
B.J.: Speak a few.

Colonel Flagg: That's insubordination. You do that to me one more time and I'm entitled to...
[checks his notebook]
Colonel Flagg: bite off your left ear. Just food for thought.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's not bluffing. He got Van Gogh.

Colonel Flagg: Listen, Pinko. You're my prime suspect. Isn't it true that you had a torrid relationship with Major Houlihan?
Maj. Frank Burns: No, Sir.
Colonel Flagg: You wanna see the films?
Maj. Frank Burns: Films?
Hawkeye: I'll get the popcorn.

Colonel Flagg: Where's Houlihan?
B.J.: I think it's near Dublin.

Col. Potter: How bad is it?
Hawkeye: Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.

Maj. Frank Burns: [to Potter] Sir, I just don't feel like I'm doing enough.
Hawkeye: You're doing fine. It's only 10:00, and you've already shot a doctor.

Colonel Flagg: Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.

Colonel Flagg: I can find anything.
Hawkeye: Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.

Roy: Klinger, I'm here to relieve you.
Klinger: Good. Undo my bra.

Klinger: I'll escort you to your tent.
Margaret: Over my dead body.
Klinger: That's possible, Major. Some North Korean prisoners have been released in the area. An attractive person like yourself might be in danger. Of course, the same is true for me.
Margaret: I can take care of myself, Cinderella.
Klinger: I understand this is a good neighborhood to pick up sailors.