Larry Linville credited as playing...
Maj. Frank Burns
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after Frank shot BJ in the leg] Burns, what's the meaning of this?
- Maj. Frank Burns: I was cleaning my gun and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Maj. Houlihan.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I see. So naturally, you shot Capt. Hunnicut.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're only off by two letters.
- Colonel Flagg: This won't look good on your record.
- Frank Burns: But Colonel, it's just Reader's Digest.
- Colonel Flagg: Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: What is it, Burns?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, Colonel, I'm still worried about Margaret.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: We're all worried, Major.
- Maj. Frank Burns: But I'm more worried than anybody else.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [gently] It's not a contest.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.
- B.J.: I understand she's game.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Don't be a smarty-pants. She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens. They have her hanging upside down by her feet from a bamboo tree... doing unspeakable things to her.
- B.J.: Speak a few.
- Colonel Flagg: Listen, Pinko. You're my prime suspect. Isn't it true that you had a torrid relationship with Major Houlihan?
- Maj. Frank Burns: No, Sir.
- Colonel Flagg: You wanna see the films?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Films?
- Hawkeye: I'll get the popcorn.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [to Potter] Sir, I just don't feel like I'm doing enough.
- Hawkeye: You're doing fine. It's only 10:00, and you've already shot a doctor.
