Alan Alda credited as playing...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
- Trapper: See you at the movie tonight?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What's showing?
- Trapper: "Love Life of a Gorilla" and "Bonzo Goes to College".
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll wait for the books to come out.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'm leaving. I'm leaving. But not before I tell you to give up the luxury of trying to be Dr. Perfect in this - in this G.I. butcher shop. You know you can save that luxury for when you go back home to your private practice, where you can pick the kind of patients that won't go sour on ya.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something Henry?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thanks. You know something Pierce?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The shrapnel tore the back of the sigmoid colon!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That has to be it!
- Maj. Frank Burns: Anybody could have missed that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thanks, Frank.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something, Major?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What's that?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're beautiful when you sweat.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Major Burns] I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff!
- [Hawkeye's girlfriend knocks on his door while he's dozing]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Go away. I gave at the office.
- [She kisses him on the lips]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I told you to leave me alone, Trapper.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [waking Hawkeye from a nap] Colonel Blake wants to see you.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [drowsy] Tell him I died and didn't leave a forwarding address.
