- U-Boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and when we win the war, you will be brought to account.
- Mainwaring: You can write what you like. You're not going to win this war.
- U-Boat Captain: Oh, yes we are!
- Mainwaring: Oh no you're not!
- U-Boat Captain: Oh yes we are!
- Pike: [sings] Whistle while you work / Hitler is a twerp / He's half barmy, so's his army / Whistle while you work.
- U-Boat Captain: [pointing at Pike] Your name will also go on zee list. What is it?
- Mainwaring: Don't tell him, Pike!
- U-Boat Captain: Pike.
- Jones: Sir? Now that the crisis is past could you ask Private Frazer to take his hand out of my trousers.
- Mainwaring: I'm going to talk to them!
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: You can't speak German!
- Mainwaring: They'll know from the natural authority in my voice that I'm in charge.
- [pause]
- Mainwaring: You'd better come with me.
- U-Boat Captain: You, old man - you take off your belt and undo ze back of your tunic.
- Jones: I beg your pardon!
- U-Boat Captain: Do as I tell you - remove your belt. And just to make sure, captain, that your behaviour is correct, zis old man will march in front of me.
- [During this exchange, the U-Boat captain ties a piece of string to a hand grenade and then inserts it down the trousers of Lance Corporal Jones]
- U-Boat Captain: And one false move from you, and I pull zee string!
- Jones: Oh, don't make any false moves, Mr Mainwaring. And don't make any real ones either!
- Mainwaring: [the platoon is holding a U-boat crew as prisoners. Pike is covering them from the top of a ladder, holding a tommy gun. Mainwaring addresses them] Now pay attention.
- [the Germans snap smartly to attention]
- Wilson: Oh I say, they're awfully well-disciplined, aren't they, sir?
- Mainwaring: Nothing of the sort. It's slavish, blind obedience. Not like the cheerful discipline of our own jolly jack tars. I tell you Wilson, they're a nation of automatons, led a lunatic who looks like Charlie Chaplin.
- U-Boat Captain: How dare you compare our glorious leader with that non-Aryan clown!
- Mainwaring: Now look here...
- U-Boat Captain: [Takes out pencil and notebook] I am making notes Captain. And your name... will go on the list. And when we win he war, you will be brought to account.
- Mainwaring: Write what you like, you're not going to win this war.
- U-Boat Captain: Oh, yes we are.
- Mainwaring: Oh, no you're not!
- U-Boat Captain: Oh, yes we are!
- Pike: [singing and laughing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you...
- U-Boat Captain: [Points pencil at Pike. The words die on Pike's lips] Your name will also go on the list. What is it?
- Mainwaring: Don't tell him, Pike!
- U-Boat Captain: 'Pike', thank you.
- [Writes Pike's name. Pike now looks distressed]
- Mainwaring: They're a nation of automatons - led by a lunatic who looks like Charlie Chaplin.
- U-Boat Captain: How dare you compare our glorious leader with that non Aryan clown!
