Simon Greenall credited as playing...
Martin Jackson • Iqbal Kandallah • Various • Iqbal • Davis
- Martin Jackson: [Martin has just sold his novel, thus quitting his teaching job] Hee hee! You will never use anything I've taught you! And you're all idiots! Especially Keisha!
- Keisha Marie: [smugly] He chose me.
- Martin Jackson: Carol, that fireman says you shagged him!
- Carol Jackson: Which one?
- Martin Jackson: That one!
- [points to a fireman]
- Carol Jackson: Oh, no, I didn't shag that one.
- Martin Jackson: Ha ha. Unlucky!
- Martin Jackson: I'm not fly.
- Carol Jackson: You're not fly!
- Martin Jackson: I'm a math teacher.
- Carol Jackson: You're a math teacher.
- Martin Jackson: And that's plenty cool enough.
- Carol Jackson: You're a math teacher.
- Carol Jackson: [after Iqbal gets a big bag of money] Please tell me you will be spending that money on books.
- Iqbal: If by books you mean windsurfing lessons, then yes!
- Iqbal: [talking about cutbacks] From now on you will be drinking your own urine... in fact, you will be drinking my urine from now on!
- Dave Anderson: [after getting a record deal] Mornin', Martin.
- Martin Jackson: I'm not jealous.
- Dave Anderson: Of what?
- Martin Jackson: Nothing. Fuck!
- Dave Anderson: What'd you mean fuck?
- Martin Jackson: I love teaching. I don't want to be a millionaire.
- [begins to cry]
- Iqbal: These kids are like my own children. Except I'm not banned from going within a mile of their houses.
- Iqbal: Okay I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, we lose lawsuit and have to pay six jillion squid to some lawyer. Good news is, Iqbal ain't gonna take that shit from no-one. Iqbal is going to fight! I is take this case to House of Lords. And when they is tell me to fuck off, I is go to Brussels! Iqbal is never going to give in while he has breath in his body. Who's with me? I said, who's with me?
- [Everyone applauds]
- Iqbal: On second thought it would be really difficult, and I can't be bothered. School is closed forever.
- Iqbal: Bloody ridiculous... grown-up teachers behaving like children!
- Mr. Bibby: Morning headmaster.
- Iqbal: Ahh, Mr. Bibb. At least you are no like the children.
- Mr. Bibby: Oh, but I am, headmaster. I'm-a like the children very much.
- Iqbal: No, I mean you no look like the children.
- Mr. Bibby: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm-a thought you talking banana-boat English.
- Student: [about division] I still don't understand.
- Martin Jackson: Well, then, you're just a fucking idiot, then, aren't you? I've done pie, I've done orange, what more do you want?
- Iqbal: [interviewing disabled teachers, Iqbal commandeers a wheelchair] I am a Dalek! Exterminaaaate!
- [Iqbal is sobbing in the cloakroom]
- Mr. Bibby: Why, Headmaster, you're crying. I daresay, you're blubbering like a gimp. If you did this in Cyprus, or wherever it is you're from, they'd cut your nuts off.
- Iqbal: The teachers, they don' like me.
- Mr. Bibby: Well they didn't like me when I took their credit cards, but you don't see me crying about it.
- Iqbal: ... And when they pulled out the tumour, they found out that it had hair, and teeth! And it was actually Iqbal's twin brother that had been inside Iqbal all these long years! Hoho! Bloody family, eh? Okay, item 54...
