Matt Chapman: Homestar Runner • Strong Bad • Strong Mad • ...

Strongbad_email.exe

Homestar Runner • Strong Bad • Strong Mad • Strong Sad • The Cheat • Coach Z • Bubs • The King of Town • Homsar • Additional Voices

Strong Bad: Hi everyone. Today it's time for some spring cleaning. Ready, go!
[reading]
Strong Bad: Dear Strong Bad, why do you hate homestar so much? He seems ok to me." hmm, I wonder how I should answer that?
[DELETED! appears on screen]
Strong Bad: DELETED!
[he calls up another email]
Strong Bad: Do you have secret crush with Marzipan? Steve, Sterling Va. Ah yes, now this is a question well worth my time and consideration!
[DELETED!]

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading it] Dear Strong Bad, I just wondering, if you had the chance to make your town different, what would you you? Sincerley, Steven WV.
[Strong Bad pronounces "WV" as "Wolksvagen"]
Strong Bad: [typing] Pour hot soup in Homestar's eyes, eh, Steven? That sounds like a pretty good...
[stops typing]
Strong Bad: Wait, what did your e-mail say again?

Strong Bad: [typing] Print out million dollar bill.exe
Compy 386: Bad command or file name.
Strong Bad: [typing] No, for real, print me out a million dollar bill, man.exe
Compy 386: Syntax error.
Strong Bad: [typing] Um, this time really print me out a million dollars bill. No foolin'
Compy 386: Cut it out, you.
Strong Bad: What the? Don't give me none of that crosstalk! Oh well, it was worth a shot. Now on to... on to the e-mail.

Strong Sad: [juiced on caffeine and speaking very, very rapidly] Marzipan, Marzipan! Whaddya wanna make? Ya wanna make some wood davers? I got peanut butter, I got pinecones, I got everything we need! I said pinecones, pinecones! Gonna be successful! Gonna be phenomenally successful! Sell 'em at the corner store! Sell 'em at the five and dime! Marzipan, get on the train! Gotta get on the wood davers train! Here goes the wood davers train, it's taking off, it's a new century!

Strong Mad: [to Strong Sad, who is high on caffeine and hanging from the ceiling] Get down!
Strong Sad: No!
Strong Mad: [shouts] Get down!
Strong Sad: No, no... Parakeet.
Strong Mad: [in shock] Did you just say "parakeet"?

Strong Bad: Uh, you don't really have to *make* Homestar say stupid stuff, Grumbles, that's the guy's bread n' butter. Or at least his, uh, cracker n' mustard.

Homsar: Hey, Reggie! Is that rhinoceros around?
Strong Bad: Uh, I can only assume you're talking to me and asking about Strong Sad. He's in the basement.

Strong Bad: [singing] I check the email once, I check the email twice, doo doo doo, doo doo doo... Okay, let's see what we got here.
[an email is displayed, only it really just says, "Homestar Hair downloading... "]
Strong Bad: Homestar Hair...? What the...
[a graphic from Hairstyle Runner comes up onscreen]
Strong Bad: Oh man! I swear if I get another one of these freakin' "Hairstyle Runners" from one of you guys...
[types "delete that crap" and the graphic shrinks until it disappears, after which a message reading "crap deleted." appears onscreen]
Strong Bad: ...I'm gonna have to start busting some heads, okay? I mean, how come you people never play *my* game, man? I never get any Strong Libs in my email. I mean, there's this whole game out there that's all for me that you guys can fill out, you know, and like, send me some hilarious crap or something. Now you got me all cheesed off! I'm gonna play some "Temple of Apshai". Forget you guys.
[types "run 'temple__of__apshai'", then brings up Temple of Apshai, which he starts to play]

E-mail: Hey there Strong Bad! I was thinking since so many people and ladies think you're SUPER COOL, why not build a monument to yourself for all to enjoy? Another fan, Kaitlin G.
Strong Bad: [stops reading and starts typing] I'm assuming the G stands for generally overused girl's first name. Well generic name, you're really onto something here. Turns out I AM super cool. As for monuments, I already got one. But it's kinda only of my right foot. You might know it better as DUN DUN DAAA: The Strong Badia Sign!
[Strong Badia's Stop Sign is displayed, followed by a picture of Strong Bad. As he narrates, a diagram of the monument is built]
Strong Bad: Yeah, there were big plans once. It was to be made of the finest materials. On a massive scale that would rival the Aztecs and their... techno-chocolate land.
[Back at the Compy and Strong Bad continues typing]
Strong Bad: Anyways, we lost our funding or public interest waned or something distracted me.

Strong Bad: [on tape] But the Cheat couldn't stop laughing and I didn't know what the big deal was until I saw the piece of paper. I just about lost it! Milk and cookies shot out of my nose! Oh, it was a great idea. And it just might work!
[Strong Bad leans in]
Strong Bad: And it did work! All right, that's enough. You heard enough... of my secrets.

Strong Bad: [reading "Tori from VA, TX"] Tori from Virginia and Texas, respectively.

Strong Bad: [presenting his science project, talking about Strong Sad] At this point, the test subject... was dead.
[audience gasps]
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true!
Strong Bad: Shut up. And all of this data could only bring us to one conclusion... Strong Sad's adopted.
[audience gasps]
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true either!

Strong Bad: [after being asked what his second wish in a set of three would be, choosing horns, and drawing a picture of himself with horns] You know, these horns kinda look like croissants the way I drew them. Maybe my third wish will be for a couple of croissants... yeah, like, heat it up with some butter melting on the top... I got to get The Cheat to get me some of those. Some of those... cwoi-sagns...

Strong Bad: The year was 1987, not a good year for a productivity. And as a result, productivity was down something-eight percent.

Strong Bad: Maybe I should put up some of those inspirational posters and stuff to get things back in gear. You know the kinds that have whales or sunsets or windsurfers on em. And they say stuff about determination and giving a care.

Strong Bad: [on tape] And Reg had the ball at the top of the key. And I was all like "I'm Open! I'm open!" But someone must have slipped him some drugs or something because he passed it to the Deke and the Deke slam dunked it! It was my greatest moment on the court. I was trying to high-five everyone. But then there was a lot of commotion and the Deke accidentally shoved me to the ground and called me a...
Strong Bad: Uh, let's skip on ahead here.
[he fast-forwards the tape]

Strong Bad: Oh, The Cheat. Where did we go wrong? It seems only yesterday we were setting fire to Strong Sad's underdrawers.
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That *was* yesterday!

[the CGNU fight song]
Strong Bad: Fighting and sometimes striving/ Wondering what the Dumple is/ Excellence and what is valour?/ And the cheat will hit stuff with a golf club/ C-G-N-U!
Homestar Runner: Me?