Utter nonsense posing as a porno feature, Jim Holliday's "Midnight Librarians" has more rimming scenes than a Guinness Book candidate, thrown into two hours of mindless footage. It's designed to prove that porn is for morons, and merely proves some porn is made by morons.

Various time frames are strung together, with a 1949 partially black & white film noir spoof starring Holly Hollywood as a private eye, alternating with a 2002 setting in a library where Holly is still a young private eye. Go figure.

She's hunting for a missing person, tall Chandler, who is introduced pre-credits humping Dale DaBone on a pool table. Yes, the porn trope of sex on a pool table is delivered even before the movie begins. Her sisters Shayla LaVeaux and Allysin Chaynes are looking for her, and ultimately she is found by trusty Holly, in a vast lesbian sex orgy, but not before the fetish of anilingus is performed dozens of times.

A "future" endlessly padded & boring scene mocks TV game shows, with Evan Stone as emcee Wink Eubanks. That's the level of cleverness in the atrocious script, which makes stupid reference to Jamie Gillis at one point (a library study room dedicated to him) and lousiest groaner at the library referring to the Gooey Decimal System. The TV skit titled "F*ck the Girl Next Door" is pure torture to sit through as contestants compete to win sex with Monica Mayhem, all an excuse for my least favorite (all-time) performer Bill Margold to recite sports trivia as if he was brainy and plug his self-serving anti-censorship campaign for the millionth time. Dillon Day and Calli Cox as his busty wife win and get a threesome with Mayhem plus Stone added -he produced this rotten video and has two other dumb roles as well.

Belladonna is embarrassing as a fortune teller, humped by Holly and Dillon. The ending featuring Stone as a penniless former millionaire (you see, his money was made in softcore porn -you remember that archaic format) humping his wife Gauge whose acting is dreadful, maybe on purpose.

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Will Ferrell, Angela Grillo, and Lap-Gei Cheung in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

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Midnight Librarians

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