- Maybeline: [to Migule Arteta about Jake Gyllenhaal] Why don't you direct him to love me.
- Jake Gyllenhaal: Have some independent spirit, all right!
- Adam Carolla: I wouldn't say this on the radio but I'm gay actually.
- Dave Attell: There are no nice women in bars anymore, they're all dirty skanks.
- Gundealer: Curtis is looking to make an artistic statement with his suicide.
- Gundealer #3: Van Gogh would go with a Glock, ten-millimeter, caseless rounds, titanium action.
- Mr. Mooker: Did you get any nookie at lunch? No. I can tell from your attitude.
- Maxine Helms: So what's your favorite movie?
- Roger Ebert: Citizen Kane.
- Maxine Helms: That's playing here?
- Roger Ebert: No.
- Kevin Prouse: You ready to light the world up?
