Ian McShane credited as playing...
Al Swearengen
- Al Swearengen: God rest the souls of that poor family... and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes.
- Al Swearengen: Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back.
- Al Swearengen: You want a blow job while I talk to you?
- Judge: No.
- Al Swearengen: I wasn't offering personally.
- Al Swearengen: In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another.
- [Jack has just been found not-guilty of killing Wild Bill Hickock]
- Al Swearengen: What's your name, it's Jack, ain't it?
- Jack McCall: Yes, sir! You buy me a drink, I'll make my mark.
- Al Swearengen: Stick around camp, Jack - I'll make mine for you.
- Jack McCall: What in the hell is that supposed to mean?
- Al Swearengen: Means there's a horse waiting for you outside you'll want to get on before somebody murders you who gives a fuck about right and wrong - or I do.
- [Jack stares, dumbfounded]
- Al Swearengen: It's the paint, Jack. Right outside my joint.
- [whispering]
- Al Swearengen: Run for your fucking life.
- Al Swearengen: [to Cy Tolliver] You do no wanna be a dirt-worshipping heathen from this fucking point forward,
- [to Joannie Stubbs]
- Al Swearengen: pardon my French.
- Joanie Stubbs: Oh, I speak French.
- Al Swearengen: [while having his prick sucked] Wo-wo-wo-woah, you got a stage to catch or somethin'? Slow... the fuck... up.
- Seth Bullock: [demanding conditions on buying the lot] 1,000, now. If anyone in that tent, or the building we put up, turns a playing card or pours a drink or offers a woman's services, you get the title back and keep our fuckin' money.
- Al Swearengen: What makes you talk to me in that tone of voice?
- Seth Bullock: I'm makin' a counter offer.
- Al Swearengen: You come into camp, rent my lot, within six hours you blow in a guy's eye with Wild Bill Hickok backin' your play. Next day, I'm supposed to sell you the lot, put you in business, without askin' who the fuck you are or what the fuck you're doin' here?
- Seth Bullock: As far as what happened in the street, with Bill Hickok bein' involved, that was a turn of events.
- Al Swearengen: A what?
- Seth Bullock: It was a turn... of events.
- Al Swearengen: Oh, a turn of events. Your partner calls it a coincidence. So, what with this coincidence and turn of events starin' me in the fuckin' face and five other fuckin' things I'm supposed to be payin' attention to, I still make you a sensible proposal and you answer by insulting me in my own joint.
- Sol Star: Seth didn't mean to insult you, Mr. Swearengen.
- Al Swearengen: You stay out of this! You don't know nothin' about this! You weren't here and you don't have his proxy, so why don't you do whatever you people do when you're not running your mouths off or cheatin' people out of what they earn by Christian work.
- Seth Bullock: You don't want to be talkin' that way!
- Al Swearengen: Oh, don't tell me how to talk in my own fuckin' place! Now, here's my counter offer to your counter offer - go *fuck* yourself!
- Sol Star: Seth...
- Al Swearengen: Get him... away from me!
- Al Swearengen: Sometimes I wish we could just hit 'em over the head, rob 'em, and throw their bodies in the creek.
- Cy Tolliver: But that would be wrong.
- Al Swearengen: Wave a penny under the Jew's nose; if they got living breath in them, brings them right around.
- Seth Bullock: There's a blood stain on your floor.
- Al Swearengen: Yeah, I'm... I'm gonna get to that.
- Al Swearengen: My oath on this; everyday that the widow sits on her ass in New York City, looks west at sunset, and thinks to herself "God bless you ignorant cocksuckers in Deadwood who strive mightily and have little money, to add to my ever increasing fortune," she'll be safe from the whiles of Al Swearengen.
