Neil Flynn credited as playing...
Janitor • Wheelchair Guy
- [after allowing Dr. Kelso to slip]
- Janitor: I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No... because you're unconscious.
- J.D.: Can you get that for me? I can't reach it.
- Janitor: Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back? I mean, I owe you one.
- J.D.: No, I really need it.
- Janitor: OK, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year.
- J.D.: OK, I want that.
- Janitor: Too late.
- Dr. Cox: I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know?
- Janitor: Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now.
- Dr. Cox: Listen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.
- [the Janitor is trying to solve J.D.'s riddle]
- Janitor: [to himself] Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!
- Troy: Relax! I figured it out.
- [Troy pushes his solution over to the Janitor]
- Janitor: Okay... You gave me a penny... and... what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents.
- [Dr. Cox, Turk and J.D. are having very different woman problems]
- Dr. Cox: I don't know what the hell she wants.
- Chris Turk: I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants.
- J.D.: My peeps are on the frits.
- Dr. Cox: What?
- Chris Turk: Whoa.
- J.D.: No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits...
- Chris Turk: Yeah, right.
- Dr. Cox: God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything.
- Chris Turk: Dude...
- [Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D]
- Janitor: Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar.
- [empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table]
- Janitor: Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.
- Janitor: [Dr. Cox took Janitor's camera and ripped out the film] Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.
- Janitor: Ok, look. Attention, roof poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure you all live to regret this day - let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else there is a toilet on the roof...
- [Todd enters]
- Janitor: ...there is NOT a toilet on the roof!
- Todd: But you just said there was!
- Janitor: No, yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor- that means God is watching us. You heard this... there's a toilet... on the roof. Am I right, people?
- [Bystanders agree]
- Todd: Cool.
- [Makes cross sign and leaves]
- Dr. Kelso: Perry, what's our plan of attack?
- Dr. Cox: When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.
- Dr. Kelso: I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves.
- Dr. Cox: [intrigued] Uh-huh.
- Janitor: [while JD is coming up behind the Janitor] I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them, I'd show you.
- [JD sneaks away while ominous music plays]
- Janitor: He's near...
- J.D.: Oh my God, the janitor's afraid of Carla! How can I use this to my advantage?
- [Cut to a fantasy where Carla is confronting the janitor]
- Carla: Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.! Stop accusing him of things he didn't do. And bring him a fruit smoothie every day!
- Janitor: [In Spanish] Would he like strawberry or banana?
- Carla: [In Spanish] ... Purple tree car with cheese.
- Janitor: [In Spanish] LIAR!
- [He removes her mask, revealing J.D]
- J.D.: Feliz Navidad...
- [He retreats. Cut back to reality]
- J.D.: I'd have to learn Spanish.
