- Jeffrey Bernard: I once complimented him on how healthy his horses looked. He said "That's because they don't stay up all night playing cards and drinking vodka!"
- Jeffrey Bernard: It takes longer to get a drink in here than it does to get a refund out of the inland revenue.
- Lady with questionnaire: Do you have time off from work because of drinking or has your work performance suffered because of alcohol?
- Jeffrey Bernard: The situation is very much the reverse. Work frequently interferes with my drinking.
- Jeffrey Bernard: Of all the characters that stuck in my mind, I think I can do better than an Umbrella-Loser!
- Jeffrey Bernard: It always surprises people that I'm a domestic animal. I cook, I clean, I sew, I reap!
- Jeffrey Bernard: Women should carry a Government Health Warning: "Women are bad for your brains, genitals, bank accounts, and good standing among your friends."
- Dennis Shaw: Gentlemen, I want you to meet Jeffrey Bernard! The biggest idiot in Soho!
- Jeffrey Bernard: What puzzles me is what on earth did my four wives think they were getting when they married me. I mean you can see a train when it's coming.
- Beardy Man: You know dear, I have no idea what to go as for the Halloween Party!
- Landlady: Why don't you put talc on your chin, and go as an armpit?
- Dennis Shaw: So! You remember me?
- Waiter: Yes, Mr Shaw!
- Dennis Shaw: Tell this gentleman under what circumstances we last met!
- Waiter: You refused to pay your bill, Sir!
- Dennis Shaw: And how did you respond to that?
- Waiter: I called the Police, Sir!
- Dennis Shaw: CALL THE BASTARDS AGAIN!
- Lady with questionnaire: Have there been family quarrels because of your drinking?
- Jeffrey Bernard: I believe there was a *tremendous* row in 1934 over whether I should be fed Nestle's or Cow and Gate.
- Lady with questionnaire: And are you becoming irritable, testy and difficult after drinking?
- Jeffrey Bernard: You must be joking. I am impossible!
- Jeffrey Bernard: And if anybody tries to say "You only get out of Life what you put into it", I may well kill them.
- Jeffrey's Girlfriend: When I first saw you in the pub, I thought to myself, what's this handsome man doing surrounded by rogues?
- Jeffrey Bernard: [aside] Apart from her suspect eyesight, she's answered her own question.
- Drunken Scot: Hey, you! You ever seen a blaaaack man's funeral? No, ye have nae! They turn them into motorcar tyres!
- Jeffrey Bernard: [fixing himself a Bloody Mary] The merit of these things is that you can persuade yourself you're having breakfast.
- Jeffrey Bernard: I brought the secret of masturbation to my classmates like Prometheus stealing Fire from Olympus!
- Jeffrey Bernard: [running a book] They think I'm stupid and I think they're stupid. We are taking the piss out of each other!
- Jeffrey Bernard: It was a case of like calling to like.
- Penpal: There's nothing more they can do to me. If it weren't against everything I've been taught, I'd call it happiness.
- Jeffrey Bernard: This other student was in detention for running a book. It put gambling up there with sex and smoking, and if it was that bad I wanted some of it!
- CID: You screwed the Landlord's Daughter here 15 years ago, didn't you?
- Jeffrey Bernard: And Mrs Backbone, silent so far, decides that it's her time to Scintillate.
- Mrs Backbone: Yes! Rather chilly... for this Time of Year...
- Jeffrey Bernard: They would look at me with panicked eyes, as if to say...
- Beardy Man: Please Jeffrey! Don't get pissed, fall asleep and set the bed on fire!
- Drinking Friend: Well, if you can't hit a friend, who can you hit?
- Drinking Friend: We grew up together, we went courting together, we got married together! Why? Why did you have to die before me?
- Drinking Friend: [Cat racing] We'll make it a handicap race.
- Jeffrey Bernard: How... do you propose... to do... that?
- Jeffrey Bernard: There you stand, in your Prime and not too far from your Peak, and they just don't see it!
- Beardy Man: Do you know, if I hadn't met you, I might have ended up... keeping bees!
- Jeffrey Bernard: And from then on we called him the Beekeeper.
- Jeffrey Bernard: There was an Elderly Transvestite always hanging on to the end of the Bar, and when anyone complained, she would say...
- Landlady: She was a very brave little woman at the Somme!
- Drinking Friend: Okay, let's play Find the Lady!
- Jeffrey's Girlfriend: Put those babies back where you found them!
- Jeffrey Bernard: And then I woke up one morning with the strange conviction that it was all going to be different!
