Josh Zuckerman: Brian Valco

Surviving Christmas

Brian Valco

Tom Valco: [shouts] Brian, get down here and eat your dinner, will you?
Brian Valco: I'm not hungry!
Tom Valco: Yeah, you are!
Christine Valco: Stop yelling at me.
Tom Valco: I'm not yelling at you. Brian!
Christine Valco: [shouts] Brian! Get down here please, so your father can stop not yelling at me!
Brian Valco: I'm busy!
Tom Valco: I told you, we shouldn't have put the computer up in his room. He's gonna spend all his time there.
Christine Valco: Oh, Tom. Welcome to the future, dear. He's advancing his skills. One day that computer's gonna get our baby a good job.
Tom Valco: Trust me. What he's doing up there, nobody's gonna pay him for, 'cause if they did, I'd have retired at seventeen.

Doo-Dah: Holy cow. What are you looking at?
Brian Valco: [nervously] This is just, it's research.
Doo-Dah: When I was young, we didn't sit in our rooms drooling over nude ladies on computers. No, sir., we had to go behind the barn with the dirty girl and pay her a quarter so she could show us her goodies.
[looks at the mouse]
Doo-Dah: How does this work?
Brian Valco: Oh, well. Here, let me... What are you into? Hot Cheerleaders, Three-Way Fun?
Doo-Dah: Uh-uh.
Brian Valco: Middle-Aged Hotties?
Doo-Dah: [after Brian shows him an online link to "Middle Aged Hotties] Now you're talking my language. Old enough to know how it's done and young enough to still want to do it.
Brian Valco: That's gross.
Doo-Dah: [as the image on the computer is slowly loading] Ooh. Come to papa. That's not bad, right?
[Brian and Doo-Dah realize the woman in the picture on the website is Christine]
Doo-Dah: Dude, it's your mom!
Brian Valco: [horrified at what he just saw before slipping into a catatonic state] Oh, my God!

Drew Latham: Wow, I can't believe it. This is amazing. This is exactly how I remember it.
Brian Valco: You mean, you're saying it was always a shithole?

[Brian comes out of his catatonic state by throwing his computer monitor from the top of the stairs]
Brian Valco: [about seeing Christine on a pornography website] Some things cannot be unseen!

Tom Valco: [to Brian, after walking in on Drew eating his salami] Is he eating my salami?
Brian Valco: That's what it looks like!
Tom Valco: It's 9:00 in the mornin'.
Drew Latham: Oh, I know. It's not breakfast food, but it was lookin' good. I had to dog some.
[Drew continues to eat Tom's salami on front of him, as he gradually is getting annoyed]
Tom Valco: Yeah, it is good. Is that the last of it?
Drew Latham: Yep!
[Drew finishes the last of the salami off]
Drew Latham: Oh. You didn't want some, did ya?
Tom Valco: No. It's all right. It's fine, it's fine.
[Tom walks away from the table waving his arms on frustration]