Hui-Lou Chen credited as playing...
Master Tang
- Master Doe: I have a mortal wound.
- Master Tang: Where? Where does it hurt?
- Master Doe: Oh, pretty much around the big bloody spot.
- Student: [after getting his shirt ripped by Betty] Why, I oughta...
- Master Tang: No! He would kill you like a small dog. Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata... hiding amongst the candy... hoping the kids don't break through with the stick!
- Master Tang: [walking and singing] Hmm, chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go oink-oink, how 'bout you? Wanna be an animal just like you.
- [breaks off and looks around]
- Henchman: [in bushes] Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
- Master Betty: Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too!
- Master Tang: [resumes singing] Lemur go pff-pff, Ostrich go baah. Koala go
- [makes clicking noises]
- Master Tang: I know you seek The Chosen One. And I know what you did to his family.
- [begins coughing]
- Master Tang: And now, I'm going to beat you up.
- Master Betty: Do you need a glass of water, or something? Geez, at least cover your mouth. We're all going to catch it.
- Master Tang: [narrating] At that moment, the Chosen One learned a valuable lesson about iron claws... they hurt like crap, man!
- Master Tang: Prepare the long rubber glove.
- [glove stretching]
- Master Tang: Eeny, meeny, miney, moe - I wonder where my glove will go?
- Master Tang: Come inside! I'll get the Neosporin! Ba na na na na! Neo! Ba na na na na na na! Sporin!
- Master Tang: [singing] Oh, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell. Enchirito...
- Students: [joining in singing] Nacho, Burrito...
- [Betty has thrown a claw at Master Tang; the action freezes]
- Master Tang: [voiceover] Okay, so here were my options. A, quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw, then take him out with a spinning back kick, or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground and die.
- [action resumes; Tang gets hit with the claw]
- Master Tang: Hmm, should have gone with A.
- [the intermission begins]
- Master Betty: Go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda!
- Ling: I hope they have Icees!
- Chosen One: I have chosen the large tub.
- Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds!
- Master Tang: I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy!
- Master Tang: I remember a long time ago, when a friend told me there would be a chosen one.
- [flashback to a younger Tang talking to Master Doe]
- Master Doe: There will be a chosen one.
- Master Tang: He then told me of the significance.
- [flashback]
- Master Doe: It will be significant.
- Master Tang: And then he killed the dog.
- [flashback, Master Doe closes his eyes, we hear a fart then a dog whimper]
- Chosen One: I now officially know too much, and why are you in bed?
- Master Tang: Oh, you wouldn't believe what happened next...
- Chosen One: [flashback begins] No wait, please!
- Master Tang: If you insist.
- Master Tang: Again, with feeling!
- Students: One of us. Is wearing. A push-up bra. It's lacy. And cute.
- Master Tang: [after the movie] Hey, is someone going to come get me? There's, like, a hawk or something.
- [a hawk is eating his leg]
- Master Tang: Oh dear. That's not good. Uh, Mr. Hawk? Can you please stop eating my leg? Oh my.
- [you can hear crew members laughing]
- Master Tang: Hey! It's not funny! What's so - ? He's a predator, for crying out loud!
- [screen fades to black]
- Master Tang: Hey, just because the screen turned black, doesn't mean he's stopped. He's still eating me! I promise! Somebody get me a stick! Save the whales.
- Master Tang: [dying] Chosen One, do I look all right?
- Chosen One: Yeah... sure.
- Master Tang: On a scale of one to ten?
- Chosen One: Hmmm, one.
- Master Tang: Listen, and listen well. I really like the band N-Sync. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo. If not there should be. I will write their next hit, maybe 'A boom-boom chiky chiky boom-boom a boom-boom chiky chaka chaka cho cho.' By the way, you must beware of Betty's iron claw. They are sharp, and they hurt. And beware his song about big butts, he beats people up while he plays it!
- Chosen One: Master Tang, I have traveled many miles to meet you.
- Master Tang: How many miles? Would you say 10 million?
- Master Doe: Please, I'm dying. You must listen to me. I fear the Chosen One may give up hope. This must not happen. The creature in his tongue, although a little disturbing, possesses great supernatural powers. Without Tonguey, the Council is invincible. They will come to Betty's aid. Do you understand?
- Master Tang: [nods head up and down] No. I do not understand.
