KOWLOON CONNECTION is a completely fake 1-day wonder, purporting to be an "espionage thriller" but in actuality just performers humping indoors. Even as a time-killer it fails miserably.

The redoubtable auteur "Harry Who" economized by cranking out two under-an-hour features at once with the same cast: this turkey plus the memorably misspelled EPISODES OF A ORENTIAL KITTEN. The proper arithmetic is Two Times Zero = Zero, not double your pleasure.

Opening credits have stills of Hong Kong to establish the KOWLOON title, but that's as close to an actual location as we get. Similarly, storyline is all-sex action, no action action. Caveat emptor, and remember fans to read the large "NO REFUNDS" signs posted at your favorite adult cinema.

Paul Scharf stars as Jack, anally humping a frizzy-haired girl played by "Rita Cous", who memorably played a spaced-out hippie in KITTEN. The bad hair day syndrome is catching, because Big John Holmes as Jack's boss is uncharacteristically styled with a frizzy 'do that looks like Noel Redding of the Jimi Hendrix Experience.

The boss is angry, because Jackie ("Mea Tue", not a very clever pseudonym for the actress who also played Jackie in KITTEN) has not come up with the cash for the drugs he gave her to peddle. She imbibed them instead, and he gives both her and Jack an ultimatum to "show me the money".

Typical of Harry Who's ineptness, when Jack slaps Jackie down for her drug misdeed, he misses her face by about a foot, left in the final print. An older Black woman with a bad wig, Lynn, arrives and calms Jack down, by humping him. This semi-plumper makes Tyler Perry's Madea look sexy by comparison. She was thankfully left out of the KITTEN film.

Suzy Chung is introduced nude sunbathing, visited by Jackie and Justin, who want $100 from her to pay Jack & the boss. After some very poor ad libbing, she agrees and the resulting threesome sex scene is a bore.

Meanwhile Lynn visits pal Jonathan Younger in efforts to raise $300 on Jackie's behalf, cueing a brief black-on-black sex bout that goes nowhere -not even a money shot.

Jackie is all strung-out when she, Jack and Suzy visit Holmes to give him some bread. Big John angrily rejects her request for some more drugs; he's tired of fronting her and orders her to hit the streets and do some whoring in order to pay him cash in advance.

Suzy asks to join the boss's stable and Holmes gives her an audition. They go through many positions in a strictly mechanical, frankly boring sex scene leading to a copious money shot and mere insults from the boss. Violent conclusion is typical of a cheap-jack porn "surprise ending" reward for whoever is not fast asleep in the audience.

There's so much wrong with KOWLOON it is hardly amenable to criticism; it was just dumb luck that it has been preserved for posterity rather than having all its prints & materials relegated to landfill long ago. "Mea Tue" as Jackie was attractive in KITTEN, sort of resembling Rene Russo (hubba hubba), but is completely wasted here.

Chubby little Suzy Chung is an unattractive woman, resembling the underwhelming China Leigh who I recently watched in THREE SHADES OF FLESH. It's not surprising that neither of them rose to industry stardom the way Mai Lin, Linda Wong and Kristara Barrington did. With an ultra-hack like Harry Who in charge, she never even had a fighting chance.

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