Though listed in the IMDb Adult category, and reissued on Vol. 21 of the XXX Dragon Art Theatre video series from Something Weird, the 51-minute DVD-R version is strictly softcore, and all the better for it.

Better I contend because you always had to try harder doing simulated all-sex films than the routine hardcore all-sex format. To this day, hardcore is the lazy (or untalented) filmmaker's option, not only for the trillion dollar internet porn/video industry that has succeeded these '70s theatrical films, but also for mainstream hacks dabbling in the forbidden zone.

Enough digression on my part. MILLION DOLLAR MONA is relatively simple: Candy Samples with an okay blonde wig is cast as the title figure, Mon von Groana, and affects a slight Mae West impression. Reporter Jimmy Ryan is assigned by his mean boss to interview her, and the result is three very lengthy sex scenes, involving the two leads plus Mona's maid, the delightful Sandy Dempsey as Nympho Mania.

This cheapie has all the trademarks of assembly line junk: credits scrawled on nude women torsos (yes, it's a lot cheaper than optical printing); crappy muzak score including a cover version of "Hoochie Coochie Man"; dumb dialog; and a hopelessly messed-up mishmash of an ending. But what matters is it contains a classic sex scene between Candy and Sandy that stands the test of time -still arousing more than three decades later.

Beckoned to the bathroom to "wash me" by Candy, Sandy assists her in the bubble bath, segueing to a lengthy massage session on Candy's bed, with Sandy applying the baby oil to those legendary breasts. Candy reciprocates by suckling on Sandy's nipples and the fans get their money's worth in more than a reel's worth of quality soft porn. It's a lot better than what passes for soft porn nightly on pay-cable (esp. Cinemax) so many years later.

Now there might exist a hardcore version of MILLION DOLLAR MONA, but for once, who cares? Its qualities derive from a creativity born out of self-censorship -instead of gynecological closeups of women's privates and extreme closeups that make penises look like John Dykstra space ship models, this film focuses on feminine beauty of the secondary sexual characteristics, and convincing simulation of ecstasy. Running gag of our hero getting a blow job from his strictly hidden away under-the-bed-covers girl friend is fine because we don't see it -otherwise it would just be another b.j. 

Brother, less is more. And I'm actually saying that about a Candy Samples movie!

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All Jimmy Ryan ever wanted for his day off was his lover under his blanket. However, his editor sends him to investigate the famous buxom Mona von Groana and her maid Nympho Mania, who have other plans for him.

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Million Dollar Mona

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