Mel Smith credited as playing...
Rocco Melonchek
- Roland T. Flakfizer: So, do you enjoy being a cab driver?
- Rocco Melonchek: Nah. As soon as I get my driver's license, I'm quitting.
- [the amount on a taxi meter is rising quickly]
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Aren't those numbers going by a little fast?
- Rocco Melonchek: You're probably just a speed reader.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: You can be my chauffeur.
- Rocco Melonchek: How much?
- Roland T. Flakfizer: 200 bucks a week.
- Rocco Melonchek: 600.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: 300.
- Jacques: 400.
- Rocco Melonchek: 800.
- Jacques: 900.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Shouldn't I be in this negotiation somewhere? 350 and not a penny more.
- Rocco Melonchek: I'll take it.
- Jacques: What happened to one thousand?
- Rocco Melonchek: I allow for taxes. I want four weeks in advance.
- Jacques: Five weeks.
- Rocco Melonchek: Six weeks.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Hold it, hold it, I'm giving you one minute to stop all this!
- Rocco Melonchek: Two minutes.
- Jacques: Five minutes.
- Rocco Melonchek: Seven minutes.
- Jacques: Nine minutes.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: I've stepped into my own private living hell...
- Rocco: Charity work. I gather these for those less fortunate than myself who can't afford pornography.
- Rocco Melonchek: We'll have to perform a full rectum-ology.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Fondue, an epidemic! drop those pants... Not you, the patient.
- Doctor: I thought you were cardiologists...
- Rocco Melonchek: Uh, well, they're all connected, we enter the rectum and head north.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Why do you think we have such long instruments?
- Rocco: [as a dog rips his trouser leg] What a charming little animal.
- Lillian Oglethorpe: Do you know dogs, Mister Melonchek?
- Rocco: Know dogs? I used to be a chef in a Korean restaurant!
- Jacques: Society's to blame.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Too much violence in the movies.
- Rocco Melonchek: It's my environment.
- Jacques: We were carrying out orders!
- Roland T. Flakfizer: It's the Japanese. They're buying up everything.
- Rocco Melonchek: Did we leave anything out?
- Roland T. Flakfizer: You're not going to try and cheat me or anything.
- Rocco Melonchek: I give you my word as a gentleman.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Well, you had me until then.
- Rocco Melonchek: [checking Mrs. Oglethorpe's pulse] I don't feel a thing. This woman is dead!
- Flakfizer: You're holding *his* wrist!
- Rocco Melonchek: Then this man is dead!
