Steve Martin credited as playing...
C. D. Bales
- C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than "Big Nose"] Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got...
- Everyone: [singing] The whole world in his nose!
- C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?
- Dean: Fourteen, Chief!
- C.D. Bales: Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped.
- [he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on]
- C.D. Bales: All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
- C.D. Bales: [admonishing the firemen who almost let the fire station burn down through their ineptitude] I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.
- [last lines]
- Roxanne Kowalski: By the way, I named the comet.
- C.D. Bales: Oh oh yeah, oh yeah, good ol' Comet Kowalski.
- Roxanne Kowalski: No, Comet Charlie.
- C.D. Bales: Oh, hey... that's nice.
- Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah, it's my dad's name.
- C.D. Bales: Oh... oh. Well, he'll be so happy.
- [Roxanne Kowalski is walking behind a hedge because she is nude]
- Roxanne Kowalski: Nobody had a coat?
- C.D. Bales: I thought you said you didn't want a coat...
- Roxanne Kowalski: Why would I not want a coat?
- C.D. Bales: You said you didn't want a coat!
- Roxanne Kowalski: I was being ironic.
- C.D. Bales: Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.
- C.D. Bales: [to two drunks that have just made fun of his nose] I really admire your shoes.
- Drunk #1: What?
- C.D. Bales: I love your shoes.
- Drunk #2: What do ya mean?
- C.D. Bales: And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be IN your shoes at this particular time and place.
- C.D. Bales: [shouting through the front door] Ten more seconds and I'm leaving!
- Roxanne Kowalski: [opening the door] What did you say?
- C.D. Bales: I said, ten more seconds and I'm leaving! Wait a second! What did you think I said?
- Roxanne Kowalski: I thought you said, "Earn more sessions by sleeving."
- C.D. Bales: Well, what the hell does that mean?
- Roxanne Kowalski: I don't know. That's why I came out
- Dixie: So, why don't you ask her out?
- C.D. Bales: Sometimes I take a walk at night and I see couples walking, holding hands and I look at them and I think: "Why not me?" Then I catch my shadow on the wall...
- Chris McConnell: [after Chris accidentally insults C.D.'s nose] Aren't you going to kill me? The guys said...
- C.D. Bales: Oh, ordinarily, yeah, but not today.
- Chris McConnell: How come?
- C.D. Bales: Because yesterday... she didn't. But today... she does.
- [They laugh together, as the guys come back in]
- Chuck: So you finally got a sense of humor about your nose.
- [C.D. grabs his tie and slams him against the wall, causing the guys to run out again]
- Roxanne Kowalski: You know, I've been thinking about what attracted me to Chris. It wasn't the way he looked. Well, that's not true, at first it was the way he looked. But it was how he made me feel. He made me feel romantic, intelligent, feminine. But it wasn't him doing that, was it? It was you. You and your nose, Charlie. You have a big nose! You have a beautiful, great big, flesh-and-bone nose! I love your nose! I love your nose, Charlie. I love you, Charlie.
- [he stares]
- Roxanne Kowalski: Well?
- C.D. Bales: Are you kidding?
- [he somersaults off the roof of the house]
- Dixie: What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
- C.D. Bales: Huh?
- Dixie: It's a riddle. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
- C.D. Bales: I don't know.
- Dixie: A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
- C.D. Bales: What's the point?
- Dixie: The point is that sometimes the answer is so obvious, you don't even realize it. It's as plain as the nose on your face. You should tell her!
- C.D. Bales: Tell who, what?
- Dixie: Tell Roxanne that you love her.
- [after C.D. opens the door to her house]
- Roxanne Kowalski: Do you want to come in...?
- [She comes in, and sees he is already in the kitchen, preparing some cheese and vegetable cutlets]
- C.D. Bales: Uh, I sort of already did. I figured you must be starving, so I just made us some cheese and vegetables, au naturel...
- Roxanne Kowalski: Maybe you'd like some wine with
- [notices his abnormality]
- Roxanne Kowalski: your nose...
- [C.D. cuts a piece of cheese, unusually forceful about it]
- Roxanne Kowalski: ... cheese?
- C.D. Bales: [about Roxanne's comet] So what do you get if you're right about this thing?
- Roxanne Kowalski: Well, I graduate, that's for sure. And I get to name it.
- C.D. Bales: Oh, that'd be great, kind of historical.
- Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah. "Comet Kowalski."
- C.D. Bales: "Kowalski"? Why? You've got a chance to give it a beautiful name!
- Roxanne Kowalski: That's my name.
- C.D. Bales: It is? Roxanne Kowalski? Oh, heh-heh... sorry.
- Roxanne Kowalski: When you're getting love letters, you don't go around trying to compare the signature to the handwriting.
- C.D. Bales: You wanna know why? Cause you wanted to believe it. You wanted it all. All the romance and emotion, all wrapped up in a cute little nose and a cute little ass!
- C.D. Bales: Yes, I have a friend who is looking for a cosmetic, or wondering if one exists, that's sort of a shading type of arrangement. Do you have anything like that, that would be in a... er, shading area?
- Cindy: Well, we have lots of lots of blushes and things. What specifically is it for?
- C.D. Bales: She has this... feature, that she would like to, uh, you know, de-emphasize.
- Cindy: I see. She has this - extra large feature? And, uh, she wants something to make it look a little smaller?
- C.D. Bales: Exactly.
- Cindy: Well, I think a dark contour would be fine.
- C.D. Bales: Great, great. Now, how would she go about, you know, applying this... thing?
- Cindy: Well, she would... she would just shade the area of the, uh, feature, to make it appear that there were more shadows, and less actual - well, less actual acreage - I mean area.
- C.D. Bales: I'll take it.
- C.D. Bales: I am in orbit around you, I am suspended weightless over you like the blue man in the Chagall, hanging over you in a delirious kiss.
- Chris McConnell: What am I afraid of her for? She's no rocket scientist.
- C.D. Bales: Well, actually, she is a rocket scientist.
- [unable to sip from a narrow-mouthed wineglass, C.D. sticks his nose into the glass and snorts it]
- C.D. Bales: Party trick. Ah, well, a nose by any other name...
- Roxanne Kowalski: Would smell as sweet.
- Peter Quinn: [kid on roof] They call me Porky at school.
- C.D. Bales: Ah, why do they have to do that, goddammit. Sorry, I shouldn't swear in front of you.
- Peter Quinn: [pause] Bastards! Oh, sorry, I shouldn't swear in front of you. Do I have to go down now?
- C.D. Bales: No, no let's just stay up here for a while.
