Dudley Moore credited as playing...
George Webber
- George Webber: I was in the Royal Air Force as a matter of fact.
- Bill Collins: I thought you had to be English to be in that.
- George Webber: You do.
- Bill Collins: You an English fella, huh?
- George Webber: Mm-hmm.
- Bill Collins: [after long reflection] That's all right.
- Don: [Don answers the phone] Lounge.
- Telephone Operator: Mr. Webber, please.
- Don: Wait one moment.
- [aside to George]
- Don: Are you in?
- George Webber: No, no.
- Don: [on the phone to the operator] Listen, Kitty, until otherwise instructed, Mr. Webber'll be incommunicado.
- Telephone Operator: Oh, my God! Where's that?
- Don: About 20 miles due east, and make a left turn.
- Telephone Operator: Okay. Thank you, Don.
- Don: Clever girl. She wanted to know where "Communicado" was.
- George Webber: Oh, it's very obvious. It's a stone's throw from "Cognito."
- Don: [chuckling] Ho, ho, ho, ho.
- George Webber: If you were dancing with your wife, or girlfriend you knew in high school, and you said to her, Darling, they're playing our song, do you know what they'd be playing?
- Don: What?
- George Webber: Why Don't We Do It In The Road. Fuckin' hell kind of era is that?
- George Webber: By what name are you known, sir?
- Don: Donald. Don, to my friends and paying customers.
- George Webber: In that case, I'll have another double Don. Double Don, God, that's going to be difficult to say by the shank of the evening. Better make that one a single.
- Police Officer: You better take it easy. Pain pills and alcohol don't mix.
- George Webber: [laughs] You could have fooled me.
- Jenny Hanley: I don't know what your problem is, but, I don't think you're going to solve it by trying to solve mine.
- George Webber: Fine.
- Jenny Hanley: And I don't think I really have a problem, George.
- George Webber: That's your problem.
- George Webber: That sonofabitch across the way's got a bigger telescope than we have.
- Samantha Taylor: Not we have. *You* have. I don't need to peep into somebody else's windows to get my jollies. You're a dirty old man, George, and so is your friend.
- George Webber: He's not my friend.
- Samantha Taylor: Well, he should be. You must know him intimately by now.
- George Webber: I don't watch him. I watch his broads. He's got a helluva stable over there.
- Samantha Taylor: Then he must be pretty good in the sack, huh?
- George Webber: What's that got to do with it?
- Samantha Taylor: Well, unless he's using some new remote control screwing device, how can you keep from watching him too?
- George Webber: I concentrate on the broads.
- Samantha Taylor: Well, he's around, isn't he?
- George Webber: What are you getting so head up for?
- Samantha Taylor: You got the time or you want to wait until after the Late Show?
- [George turns off the TV]
- Samantha Taylor: First, I'm getting a little fed up at sexually emancipated ladies being referred to as broads. Second, I think a telescope aimed at anything other than the stars is an invasion of privacy and qualifies the voyeur as a Peeping Tom - and there's a very good law against that. Third, the first two really wouldn't bother me a bit if you'd stop watching so God *damn* much television and pay a little more attention to your bedroom guests. *This* guest in particular. Now, you want to argue or you want to make love?
- George Webber: Define broad.
- Samantha Taylor: You're definition or mine?
- George Webber: Mine. I know yours.
- Samantha Taylor: A girl who screws around a lot.
- George Webber: A hooker.
- Samantha Taylor: A hooker's a hooker. The fact that they both spread their legs doesn't make the terminology interchangeable.
- George Webber: What's the difference?
- Samantha Taylor: A hooker sells it.
- George Webber: Yeah, so does a broad! The only difference is a hooker makes the price going in.
- Samantha Taylor: Ah, so by definition, a "broad" is less virtuous than a hooker.
- George Webber: As far as I'm concerned, virtue has got absolutely nothing to do with it.
- Samantha Taylor: As far as your concerned, or any man for that matter, virtue has *everything* to do with it.
- George Webber: Listen, I just said "broad". You chose to apply a disparaging connotation to the term.
- Samantha Taylor: Come on, George. Are you really trying to tell me that "broad" is *not* a term used by men to describe women in a disparaging fashion?
- George Webber: I'm just saying *I* didn't use it that way.
- Samantha Taylor: Would you call me a "broad"?
- George Webber: That depends.
- Samantha Taylor: On whether you were watching me through a telescope while I - was fooling around with your degenerate neighbor?
- George Webber: No.
- Samantha Taylor: Okay, you define it.
- George Webber: Well, first and foremost, I don't equate the term *exclusively* with sex, voyeurism or quote "degeneracy". You do that.
- Samantha Taylor: So do you; but, you won't admit it.
- George Webber: "Broad" to me is just another colloquial term for woman. Like dame, skirt...
- Samantha Taylor: Moll.
- George Webber: Crumpet. *Moll*. I'm sure John Dillinger never used that word in a derogatory fashion.
- Samantha Taylor: For authority on female agrandisment, consult the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List.
- George Webber: Better still, let's look it up.
- Samantha Taylor: No. I want *your* definition. Not Webster's.
- George Webber: I'm going to get Monsieur Roget's definition. You know my definition. "Broad" means woman. Not good. Not bad. Unless so designated.
- Samantha Taylor: *You* said a broad does it for money.
- George Webber: *You* said a hooker sells it. I said so does a broad.
- Samantha Taylor: Okay, if a broad is a woman, then women screw for money, huh?
- George Webber: *Some* women.
- Samantha Taylor: Broads!
- George Webber: Some - broads do it for other things. But, in a way, they sell it.
- [looking in Roget's Thesaurus]
- George Webber: Alright, here we are. "Woman: dame, hen, petticoat."
- Samantha Taylor: "Slang or derogatory: Jane, *broad*!" Okay, how about that smart ass? You want to look up derogatory?
- George Webber: I thought we were going to make love?
- Samantha Taylor: [walking out] That will cost you 50 bucks and an apology.
- Ed McMahon: [on TV] Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
- George Webber: Look, there's nothing wrong with people being happy; but, there's more to life than turning on and screwing to Ravel's "Bolero."
- Jenny Hanley: Sure there is. But, what's wrong with turning on and screwing to Ravel's "Bolero"?
- Jenny Hanley: I like different music for different things. I like to listen to Rock. I like to dance to Jazz.
- George Webber: What do you like to do with Prokofiev?
- Jenny Hanley: Fuck.
- Jenny Hanley: Did you ever do it to Ravel's "Bolero"?
- George Webber: No.
- Jenny Hanley: My Uncle turned me on to it.
- Hugh: How are you feeling, birthday boy?
- George Webber: Oh, invalided.
- Hugh: You mean invalid?
- George Webber: I'm... well, that too, but basically I feel invalided, like an invalid.
- Hugh: Well remember what they say, George. After 40 it's all patch, patch, patch.
- Jenny Hanley: About two weeks ago, David and I saw you on "Dinah Shore." I have to be honest, I didn't know who you were or what you did, but, I said to David,"Now, there's a really attractive older man."
- George Webber: Oh. That's nice.
- Jenny Hanley: And you've written all those songs.
- George Webber: A few.
- Jenny Hanley: Elevator music.
- George Webber: Oh, God. Elevator music.
- Jenny Hanley: Sure, you know, the music you hear in elevators. Lots of violins.
- George Webber: Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm very big in elevators.
- George Webber: Doesn't he do anything except swim and jog on the beach?
- Hugh: Oh yes! He makes me happy. So I let him swim and jog on the beach.
- Samantha Taylor: [examining George's bee sting] That looks bad, have you taken anything for it?
- George Webber: Ah, yes, I took four of your birth control pills, I hope that's okay.
- Samantha Taylor: [kisses George on the cheek] Try an antihistimine.
- George Webber: I don't like those, they make me pregnant.
- George Webber: Hugh, sometimes you really are a - pain in the ass *fag*.
- Hugh: Well, coming from one of the really great Anglo-Saxon heterosexual bores of all time, I consider that the ultimate compliment. You know, you have been brooding and sulking around my house all morning, without the good manners to explain or apologies and I am fed up. So, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to call it a day. I'm going to invite some company over too. Soak up the strain. Some happy, conversational, intellectually stimulating, pleasant company.
- George Webber: The Malibu chapter of the Sugar Plum Fairies?
- Hugh: Since you don't qualify in any of those categories, you will understand why I don't ask you to stay.
- George Webber: I couldn't. I forgot my tutu.
- Hugh: Yeah, well, I'll see you later, Butch.
- George Webber: Some of my oldest and dearest friends are *broads*.
- Samantha Taylor: Including your mother.
- George Webber: Yeah, you bet!
- Samantha Taylor: [singing] I want a broad, just like a broad...
- George Webber: And my maternal grandmother was one of the greatest *broads* that ever lived. They don't make *broads* like that anymore.
- George Webber: I don't like - middle age. I mean, it's not that complicated. I'd just rather be 30 - or 20 even. God, and you can bet your ass to make it, I'd have to change places with Larry in a life of fagatry - I'd sure as hell give it a lot of consideration.
- Dr. Croce: You don't consider that significant?
- George Webber: Look, I'm just using an extreme example to make a point.
- Dr. Croce: But, if you could, wouldn't you change places with Larry?
- George Webber: But, I can't! Didn't you ever play games like that?
- Dr. Croce: But, not to the point were I got all hung up with it. You're becoming obsessed with the ugliness of old age. The fear of death and the inevitability of it. You'd even change places with a homosexual to put it off. So, what do you do? Do you play it safe? You get a fixation on a - beautiful young girl. A vision, I think, was your description. And I suspect - for your total vision - a virgin.
- George Webber: She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
- Dr. Croce: On a scale from 1 to 10?
- George Webber: Eleven.
- Dr. Croce: You said there was no such thing as a 10?
