- [gives his gun to Steamboat Bill upon seeing Bill Jr. approach wearing a ridiculous officer's uniform]
- Tom Carter - First and Last Mate: There's not a jury that would convict you.
- William 'Steamboat Bill' Canfield Sr.: Talk to him, Sheriff.
- Sheriff: [to Bill Jr] After all the bum is your father.
- William 'Steamboat Bill' Canfield Sr.: [upon seeing Bill Jr. for the first time, to Tom] If you say what you're thinking, I'll strangle you!
- William 'Steamboat Bill' Canfield Sr.: [to the barber about his son's moustache] Take that barnacle off his lip.
- William 'Steamboat Bill' Canfield Sr.: I'll run on this river if I'm the only passenger on the boat.
- Title Card: Eight bells and all is wrong.
- [after Bill Jr. accidentally causes his father's steamboat to smack into King's]
- William 'Steamboat Bill' Canfield: I'm trying to teach you to run it - not *wreck* it!
