Biography

[joking about a series of intruders at the White House] When the President walked in and saw all those bellhops, he said, "Finally, some decent security".

[joking about Barney Frank] We tried to get Memories Pizza to cater this event but they heard a rumor Barney Frank was going to be here. So thanks a lot, Barney. We could have had that world famous Indiana pizza.

[joking about Hillary Clinton] Now Naomi (Campbell), you're lucky Hillary Clinton is not here. Because if you threw your BlackBerry at her, she would just delete everything right off of it. Hillary Clinton said that she used her private email because she didn't want to use more than two devices. Now if that sounds familiar, it's because it's also one of the rules of the sex contract of Fifty Shades of Grey. Our relationship [with Israel] will be better in the next administration, just as soon as Israel makes a generous donation to the Clinton Foundation.

[joking about Rand Paul] Well, he's just taking over the family business of not getting elected President.

[joking about the Secret Service] Let's give it up for the Secret Service. I don't want to be too hard on those guys. You know, because they're the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.