Quotes

Keep temptations away It's all well and good sitting next to the office photocopier, but who among us can honesty say they'd not be tempted to photocopy their body parts all day long!

Beware of office politics Don't allow yourself to be dragged down by the perpetual tribal bitching between the sales and accounts departments. Remain secure in the knowledge that all the fit women work in marketing anyway.

Work 24/7 Downtime is for computers not for humans. Why not take the office home with you? If you're in a relationship try to include at least basic word processing during lovemaking. Spelling mistakes can be correct afterwards.

Remember the office is like the jungle He who shouts the loudest gets the prize. Don't be afraid to confront weaker rivals and offer them helpful advice such as, "Life's not working out for you really is it?".

Every weekend I will be either driving a sports car, sky diving, rock climbing, something crazy. How do you know when you are alive unless you know how close you have been to death? I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time and I want to live hard, die young.

I'm not a one-trick pony, I'm not a 10-trick pony, I'm a whole field of ponies - and they're literally all running towards this job.

Everything I touch turns to sold

Fit body, fit mind Staying in shape not only helps you be a hit with the ladies, but also a success in business. As you saw on The Apprentice, my good looks and physical stamina helped me stay calm under pressure and to make the correct decision time after time.

Watch out for the pitfalls of the office party Remember what happened to John from accounts? His stomach wasn't the only thing that got pumped that night. Don't end up as the laughing stock of the office.

Don't listen to criticism After all you're better than them, and one day you'll be their boss (if you're not already).

When firing people, try to put yourself in their shoes Once you've realised how pathetic they truly are, it should make it much easier to kick them out without thinking how their five children will eat again.

Dress to impress, but don't be afraid to innovate Perhaps wear a colourfull Christmas tie in July. Show those office drones you understand fashion by grabbing it by the balls and twisting hard.

Office romance is not acceptable As an attractive red blooded male (see above), I often distract women around me in the work place. This leads to reduced productivity and red faces all round.