Quotes

I worry that Rebecca Adlington will have an unfair advantage in the swimming by possessing a dolphin's face.

The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.

Did you see her boyfriend? He was really attractive. He was like a male model. So from that I have deduced that Rebecca Adlington is very dirty.

It's OK to avoid tax providing every time you do a joke about a town being shit you add "partly down to me I'm afraid" under your breath.

[on David Bowie and Scottish independence] I completely respect Bowie's right to express views on Independence, just as I'd respect Iggy Pop's opinions on the CERN particle accelerator.

You're trapped, Spiderman! Trapped in this enormous bath...

After 50 years of being a German married to a Greek, her arse must look like a broken catflap.

Susan Boyle looks like Gordon Brown playing Mrs Doubtfire.

Susan Boyle is no relation, we will never chisel our way out of that cellar.

There are people who still think Elvis faked his death. If you were going to fake your death, it wouldn't be in a shitting-related accident, surely?

Theresa May looks like a cat that knows it's going to die.

[Young Jacob Rees-Mogg] It's the sort of voice you hear trying to lure you into a Well...

As a Tory Boy, he's developed a personality by trying to lure his Daddy out from behind the Daily Telegraph. "Please... love me...!"

Humanity doesn't deserve the Mercy of an Apocalypse.

Basically, most of the Human Race is Psychopathic and we should be bulldozed into a mass grave like a load of unwanted greyhounds.

I was a very bad Catholic. Unless you include my attitude to condoms, in which case I was an amazing Catholic.

I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist when I watched Derek (2012) get recommissioned twice.