Biography

I'm all for a little high school bullying. You don't become a successful humor columnist without having gotten bullied. It drives you to take on the powerful and famous with lame jokes about their haircuts from the safety of your computer screen. If it weren't for bullying, I'd be a contract lawyer.

(on his psychiatrist) I knew Phil's advice was brilliant, not just because he outed my secret worries but also because he kept grabbing index cards and drawing stick figures to explain his ideas. Anyone who charges huge fees and then hands them stick-figure drawings is living in a world without fear that I want to be part of.

If you're living in an impoverished community where the future doesn't look like a rewarding adventure and, instead, requires all your energy to figure out how to get by this month, you're unlikely to focus on activities with long-term benefits such as studying, saving, marriage, being drug-free and spicing up quinoa.

[on football coaches respectfully soliciting divine intervention in a game] I did not like the sound of this. From what I know about the the Old Testament, God doesn't respond to the soft sell. He's more of a tie-your-firstborn to the altar kind of guy.

My take is, if you think dog sniffing isn't an invasion of privacy, then you don't have a crotch.