Quotes

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

To me, comedy is a game.

People only have so much attention.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I love Steven Wright.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.