- I'm going straight to the second wife and not even having a first wife...that's right, straight to trophy! Why do I need some first wife walking around with half my fortune? Why does she get $1400?!
- [about leaving his corporate job for comedy] Why make $200 a day, when I can be a comedian and make that in a week?
- You ever been on date where after a couple of hours, you find it nearly impossible not to say "Somebody kill me!"?
- I'm dating this one girl, she loves Picasso and Mexican food. Talk about artsy-fartsy.
- Chicks dig me 'cause I'm a eunuch. I mean I'm unique.
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