Biography

(an imaginary prime-ministerial directive) To accuse political opponents of siding with deviant criminals who exploit young children is perhaps the vilest, sleaziest, most repugnant political tactic of all. That's why we save it for political campaigns.

Hollywood has taught us that geniuses are at all times to be revered, even if they suffer from horrible afflictions such as schizophrenia, or 'being played by Russell Crowe'.

Researchers now claim you can tell a lot about the size of a man's penis by comparing the length of his index finger to that of his ring finger. The lower the ratio, the longer the penis. (At this point I would like to take a moment to welcome back to the column all the men who stopped reading just now to check the ratio of their fingers.)

'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' has long been the 'Every Breath You Take' of Christmas songs - a seemingly upbeat number with a sinister overtone. Santa watches you in bed. Santa knows if you're naughty. You half expect the song to continue: 'He knows your g-mail login, He rifles through your trash! He's stolen your identity and withdrawn all your cash'.

Cruising through middle age with a feeble memory is a real thrill ride. Every moment holds the potential for adventure and intrigue. Will I remember where I parked the car? Will I remember that I own a car? My pulse is racing!