Quotes

[on Madonna] She's the reason I asked my parents what the word 'virgin' meant. I've been fantasizing about her for so long, I feel like she's entitled to half my earnings. (In Style magazine, September 2006)

[on his Saturday Night Live (1975) audition] They flew me all the way back to New York to meet with Lorne Michaels. I realized later that he was doing a final personality vet. He said, "Do you think you can live in New York?" And I thought, "Does anyone blow it at this stage? Does anybody get this far in the process?" And then is like, "It's definitely New York? Well, if you guys can't be flexible on that, I'm not sure if I can be flexible on that."

[on Gerald Ford] Remember when we thought slipping on wet stairs was the dumbest thing a President could do? My God, we were adorable.

[on Roger Stone's arrest by federal agents during the government shutdown] Imagine being such an asshole that FBI agents will come into work and arrest you for free.

If you're still buying porn in magazine form rather than looking at it on the internet, you should get a medal. 7-Eleven is like the last place in America where you can still get porn in print. It's a sacred place. It's like the National Archives or the Library of Congress.