Quotes

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

A woman's place is in the wrong.

Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead.

It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

It's a naïve domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.

I love the idea of there being two sexes, don't you?

Where most of us end up there is no knowing, but the hell-bent get where they are going.

All men kill the thing they love. All men kill the thing they hate too, unless, of course, it kills them first.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

It is better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all.

A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make any sense.

Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with Man is Man.

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.

Love is blind, but desire just doesn't give a good goddam.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

A pinch of probability is worth a pound of perhaps.

All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.

I always begin at the left with the opening word of the sentence and read toward the right and I recommend this method.

Humor and pathos, tears and laughter are, in the highest expression of human character and achievement, inseparable.

One martini is all right, two is too many, three is not enough.

I am not a dog lover. A dog lover to me means a dog that is in love with another dog.

The wit makes fun of other persons. The satirist makes fun of the world. The humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere; not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.

I confess, that if a male character of my invention started across the stage to disrobe a virgin criminally (ah, euphemism to end euphemisms!), he would probably catch his foot in the piano stool and end up playing "Button Up Your Overcoat" on the black keys.

Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige. Such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband.

All right, have it your way - you heard a seal bark!

Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clea.

Somebody has said that woman's place is in the wrong. That's fine. What the wrong needs is a woman's presence and a woman's touch. She is far better equipped than men to set it right.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.