Quotes

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, [Richard Nixon] couldn't tell the truth, and [Ronald Reagan] couldn't tell the difference.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

You know me, I love lost causes.

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

[on Watergate] If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

[on hard-core affirmative action] I went to my dressing room between shows and an attorney for the NAACP was waiting fro me. He wanted to know why I don't have any Negoes in my act.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.