Quotes

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

I don't swear. When I do, my husband gets out the tape recorder. Once, when I was first doing comedy, there were only five people in the audience, so I did my whole act swearing every other word. All the waitresses and people at the bar ran in yelling, 'Rita's swearing! Rita's swearing! Everyone come!'

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends...one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I wanted to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty-six hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours.

If you want to break up with a man, tell him, 'I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children. I want us to grow old together and be with each other forever.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

On mothering: To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life