Quotes

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.

[Asked by Jay Leno if he ever worries that his insult comedy might be too offensive for the audience] You know, every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm NOT going to offend!

[to Frank Sinatra, who arrived during his act] Come on in, Frank. Make yourself at home--hit somebody.

[on Sammy Davis Jr.] You can't get Negro help like that, anymore. Wow, to have a guy who can sing, dance--and dust!

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, "Don, get up at a party and tell a joke", I'm the worst.

[on Frank Sinatra] When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

Some people say funny things - but I say things funny.