- On Pete Sampras's retirement: He's doomed to spend the rest of his days with a neck-snapping blonde and a gorgeous son in a hilltop palace with nothing to do but find new and creative ways to blow his career winnings of $43 million.
- ...Nebraska, a place so flat you could watch your dog run away for three days.
- (On baseball) "It's about as fast-paced and thrilling as an Amish prom."
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