Quotes

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, but hating, my boy, is an art.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Home is heaven and orgies are vile, but you need an orgy once in a while.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

A man and a woman will never be incompatible, as long as he has income, and she is pattable.

[on animals] The cow of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other milk.

You are much happier when you are happy than when you ain't.

Here's a good rule of thumb: too smart is dumb.