Quotes

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

As a comic, you need every wrinkle. Having a facelift would be like asking a tap dancer to have his feet lopped off. - Birmingham Evening Mail (UK) 25 September 1993

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate. - Birmingham Evening Mail (UK) 25 September 1993

When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now.

Next Thursday at the polls, it won't just be Bob it'll be Britain saying Opportunity Knocks (1956). And if we put Maggie (Margaret Thatcher) back in for the third time we'll all be winners. (During the 1987 general election campaign)

I was in Rome recently, and they say "when in Rome, do as the Romans do", so I drove like a bloody maniac!

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

The awkward part about an orgy is that afterwards you're not too sure who to thank.

[Holds up a magazine cover with a picture of the pregnant All Saints singer on it] It took a lot of love to make her look like that.