Quotes

The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.

We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.

My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around its waist!

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.

The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.

We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.

Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favorites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.

I do enjoy working with Ryan [Stiles] although he owes me money.

I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh was one, but he didn't really sing a lot!

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.

I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.

We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.

Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!

If Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?

I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.

There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.

There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky.

When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.

You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.

Like any muscle, [improv] has to be worked and exercised. Because, I mean, basically, we're all improvisers. That's what our lives are. We have sort of a rough framework; we know how it's going to end. Everything in between now and then is just totally improvised.