Quotes

My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame.

I won't do porn. Well, I won't do triple-X porn.

I've always made fun of television shows and how ridiculous some celebrity behavior is, but I never thought my job would be commenting on it. There's a side of me that's happy I get to say these things out loud. But other times I feel like a whore.

[on The Soup's mascot dog, Lou] I didn't like Chihuahuas very much before I met Lou, I thought they looked like big-eyed rats, but now I'm in love.

Every parent should thank God for the gift that is their children's health, and shower them with love.

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

Follow what your head is telling you and work hard. That's the big secret.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

It's an awesome thing to be flung out onto the stage twice a weekend in front of 250 people, and you have to make it up as you go along.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

Once you've been booked, people in Hollywood say, 'Oh he must be good.' All the while you're the same actor.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

You have to have talent. You have to get the audition and then you have to nail the audition.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

It's important to have the right agent - people that are working hard for you. But an actor needs to be in control of their career no matter how good the representation is.